Star Wars Episode I: A Summary

It's a little known fact that the original  Star Wars  cast featured Maude LaGata, a sassy cat with a "git 'er done" attitude.

It's a little known fact that the original Star Wars cast featured Maude LaGata, a sassy cat with a "git 'er done" attitude.

If you’re excited to see Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens but want to rewatch episodes 1-6 first – but just can’t seem to find the time – first of all: congratulations on having a life. What’s that like?

Second, we have exactly what you’re looking for, with six incredibly accurate synopses. There's just enough crucial detail in each summary that we've elected to break them apart into six different posts. This is Episode I: The Phantom Menace. Remember this film OK or just don't care? You can quickly find synopses of the other films here:

Episode I: The Phantom Menace

Easily the worst in the series, this film was truly a “menace” to my Thursday night. In this episode, Jetta Master Kiwi Jim and his apprentice Opie-Wand Nairobi are sent to negotiate with the Chinese (they call them the “Trade Federation”), who are under the influence of the evil Cyst Lord, Dark Sid Vicious.

Sid Vicious always has a hood over his head, but it’s clear to anyone watching – and yet somehow escapes the attention of everything in the film – that Sid Vicious is actually Senator Ovaltine. As an esteemed member of the Banana Republic, Ovaltine is supposed to be one of the good guys. But guess what? He isn’t. There can only be two Cyst Lords at any moment in time – the master and his apprentice – and his apprentice in this film is Dark Mall, a mean dude with a red face and a double-ended lightsaver.

Meanwhile, Queen Armadillo (aka Pat Me) somehow meets up with Opie-Wand and Kiwi Jim, and they wind up in Tattoo Ink, a desert planet. I can’t remember why they’re there, but in the process of visiting a scrap dealer, they meet a wee little slave boy named Annie Kin who has a major case of the Forces. There’s a sizable age gap between Annie Kin and Armadillo, but guess what? They’re going to make babies together some day, but we’ll get to that later.

Anyway… Kiwi Jim tests Annie Kin’s blood and realizes it’s swimming with chloroformians, the tiny particles that power the Force. His chloroformian levels are off the hook, in fact, so Kiwi Jim decides to take Annie with him and train him as his next Celebrity Apprentice™, though no one else in the Jetta Council, including Jetta Masters Yoga and Samuel L. Jackson, thinks he should. They all fear Annie Kin and see a darkness in him.

Dark Mall eventually kills Kiwi Jim, Opie-Wand cuts Dark Mall in two, and Kiwi Jim has just enough life left in him to ask Opie-Wand to train Annie in the ways of the Force. Also, this is the movie that includes the horrible Jar Jar Binks, whose role in the film serves only to offend Jamaicans and annoy everyone else.