Star Wars Episode III: A Summary

 Yep, this cat again.

Yep, this cat again.

If you’re excited to see Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens but want to rewatch episodes 1-6 first – but just can’t seem to find the time – first of all: congratulations on having a life. What’s that like?

Second, we have exactly what you’re looking for, with six incredibly accurate synopses. There's just enough crucial detail in each summary that we've elected to break them apart into six different posts. This is Episode III: Revenge of the Cyst. Remember this film OK or just don't care? You can quickly find synopses of the other episodes here:


Episode III:  Revenge of the Cyst

Opie-Wand and Annie Kin lead a mission to rescue Ovaltine, who everyone stupidly still thinks is good, despite an overwhelming creep factor. Annie engages Dookie in a lightsaver battle and kills him at Ovaltine’s suggestion, which is a big no-no amongst the Jettas. Annie Kin returns to his wife, who is pregnant. Annie Kin almost immediately begins to have premonitions of Pat Me dying in childbirth, which underscores his desire to become the master of death.

Ovaltine appoints Annie to the Jetta Council, but the council – still fearing his darkness – refuses to title him Jetta Master. The council is finally getting suspicious of Ovaltine, and asks Annie to spy on him. Bad move, Jettas! Ovaltine uses this time to prey on Annie’s fears; unabashedly admits to being Dark Sid Vicious; and convinces Annie that the Darth side of the force can help him prevent Pat Me’s death. Initially conflicted, Annie tries to do the right thing and alerts the Jetta Council of Ovaltine’s true identity, but he gets really annoyed when he realizes they won’t let him assist with Ovaltine’s arrest.

Samuel L. Jackson subdues Ovaltine/Sid with his lightsaver and is about to kill him, but Annie intervenes and pleads with Samuel L. Jackon to capture, rather than kill, Palatine/Sid, so he can learn how to cheat death and save Pat Me. Samuel L. Jackson thinks that’s a dumb idea, so Annie Kin kills Samuel L. Jackson and pledges his allegiance to Dark Sid Vicious. Sid Vicious dubs Annie Kin “Dark Vader” and himself Emperor of the Galactic Empire, orders Dark Vader to kill all remaining Jettas – including the “younglings” in training – and also uses his political power to order the clone troopers to kill their Jetta commanders (and thus: the “storm troopers” are born).

Yoga and Opie-Wand somehow survive, realize what Annie Kin has done, and attempt to tell Pat Me all about it. She doesn’t believe Opie-Wand at first, but eventually questions Annie/Dark Vader about it. He gets angry with her for questioning him and starts to strangle her before Opie-Wand intervenes. They fight in a land of volcanic lava and ash, Dark Vader loses his three remaining limbs and gets some pretty serious burns. Opie-Wand leaves him to die, but he doesn’t die because Dark Sid Vicious saves him with more robotic limbs and a black plastic suit.

Yoga confronts Ovaltine/Sid Vicious but fails and goes into exile. Opie-Wand takes Pat Me to a hospital, and she gives birth to twins George Lucas and Leah before dying (most definitely a remnant of Annie’s strangle hold – in other words: in an attempt to save Pat Me from the fate he saw in his dreams, he becomes the very thing that kills her). The kids are separated and taken to different planets for their own safety, though there’s otherwise no attempt to hide their true identity (“Lucas” is even given his father’s real last name, Skywalker, and is raised by his dad’s stepbrother). Clearly, the witness protection program is in its nascent stages in this remote galaxy.

This movie includes General Gracious, who is actually more grievous than anything, but it’s an unnecessary side story you don’t need to worry about.