Top 10 Ways To Keep The Romance Alive This Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day is almost here. If you're struggling to find a way to show that special someone just how much you care, remember: sometimes the best gift doesn't come wrapped in a bow. Follow these tips to really make them swoon.

  1. Four words: two toilets, one bathroom.
  2. Have a baby! Nothing else brings two people closer together before it pushes them really, really far apart.
  3. Show them how responsible you are by keeping a box of Plan B in your medicine cabinet.
  4. Lots and lots of perfume; if the pheromones don't get them to notice you, the allergen-induced asthma attack surely will.
  5. Forget those cliché greeting cards – make your boo a coupon book promising a nice massage or even an evening without dishes. Don’t have the time or the construction paper? Pick up some coupons from Walgreens, cut them out, and staple them together. They’ll appreciate the romantic gift, and you’ll appreciate the savings.
  6. Never forget the ABCs of being a good little wifey: Always Be Cooking.
  7. Turn alone time into cell phone time; there's nothing s/he has to say that can't wait until after you've finished that game of Candy Crush.
  8. Variety is the spice of life, so always keep your genitals well-seasoned with paprika and oregano. 
  9. Never underestimate the power of those three little words: it's not contagious.
  10. Everyone gets roses – gross! Instead of doing the same ol’ flower year after year, abide by this popular adage: men are from mars, and women love a Venus fly trap. Nothing says “I love you” quite like a carnivorous plant, and your home will finally be pest free!

Top 10 Ways To Stop Gun Violence

  1. Arm children and developmentally disabled adults so they can defend themselves when a-holes violate what should be a safe haven.
  2. More blockbuster films that glorify consequence-free violence.
  3. Teach gang members how to properly shoot guns, so kids and other innocent victims stop getting caught in the crossfire.
  4. Blame gun laws before all the facts are in.
  5. Blame Muslims before all the facts are in.
  6. Pray for peace and let divine intervention do the rest.
  7. Go on social media immediately after a shooting occurs, and talk about how awful it is. Break your tweet up into multiple posts to underscore how much you care.
  8. Keep electing politicians who publicly denounce acts of violence, but then do nothing to stop it.
  9. Keep Syrian refugees out of our country. You never know when one might be a disgruntled white person in disguise.
  10. Be outraged for 2-3 days and demand change; refuse to listen to opinions other than your own; and shift your focus to the Kardashians and Starbucks cups soon thereafter.

Top 10 ways to get people to notice your blog

Top 10 lists are a great way to bring attention to your blog, especially if you are David Letterman

Top 10 lists are a great way to bring attention to your blog, especially if you are David Letterman

1.     Lots of vines of dudes getting hit in the family jewels.

2.     Include a photo gallery that consists entirely of different types of rashes.

3.     Turn your site into a mommy blog. Not a mommy? Abduct!

4.     Change your web address to Amazom.com and take advantage of all of those sweet misdirects.

5.     Post a bittersweet story about Syrian refugees being rescued at sea, and let the trolls do the rest.

6.     Begin more conversations with friends and family with, "If you really loved me..." and then give them a business card with your URL.

7.     Celebrity gossip, and lots of it. Don't have the scoop? Do what everyone else does and make crap up.

8.    Aggregate content from smarter, funnier people. Refuse to give credit, and watch the book and TV deals come rolling in.

9.    All gifs, all the time.

10.   Slap a pair of overalls onto your cat. Laugh as their misery and humiliation lead to hits.

10.   Three words: boobies, boobies, boobies.

10.   Top 10 lists are great, but be sure to always cap your list count at 10. Editing is key! 

10.   Post your best material at 3 a.m. when your insomniac friends will be so desperate for reading material, they can't resist.

10.   I have no effing idea. Seriously, can anybody help me?