Star Wars Episode II: A Summary

Did we mention the original  Star Wars  cast included a feline from the planet Awesome? Bear with us. We don't have a photo budget.

Did we mention the original Star Wars cast included a feline from the planet Awesome? Bear with us. We don't have a photo budget.

If you’re excited to see Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens but want to rewatch episodes 1-6 first – but just can’t seem to find the time – first of all: congratulations on having a life. What’s that like?

Second, we have exactly what you’re looking for, with six incredibly accurate synopses. There's just enough crucial detail in each summary that we've elected to break them apart into six different posts. This is Episode II: Attack of the Clones. Remember this film OK or just don't care? You can quickly find synopses of the other episodes here:

Episode II: Attack of the Clones

The Banana Republic is under attack from a Separatist movement led by former Jetta Master, Count Dookie. But guess what? Dookie is actually Dark Sid Vicious’ new apprentice, so Sid Vicious aka Ovaltine is actually behind it all. But Ovaltine is still thought to be one of the good guys!

No longer a queen, Armadillo aka Pat Me is now a senator, but when she shows up to vote, someone tries to kill her. What?! Enter Opie-Wand and Annie Kin to the rescue. Annie Kin is all grown up, and he has the braided rat tail to prove it. He and Opie-Wand track Pat Me’s hired assassin back to her original source, the planet Kimono. But only Opie-Wand goes to Kimono; Annie Kin stays behind with Pat Me, where Annie Kin starts to make his move on his childhood crush.

Opie-Wand realizes the Banana Republic has placed an order for an army made of clone soldiers, but don’t get the wrong idea: these clones aren’t modeled after Dolly the Sheep but, rather, they’re replicas of beefcake bounty hunter Django Feta, who sold his DNA in exchange for money, shelter and a son (Bubba). Keep an eye on Bubba! A Jetta Master eventually kills Django, leaving Bubba seriously outraged. Bet you’ll see him later.

But first: Annie Kin starts to have premonitions that his mother, who he hasn’t seen in years, is in trouble. So he and Pat Me return to Tattoo Ink to save her, only to realize she was sold by her original master to someone who freed her and then married her. Kinky! Anyway, it turns out his mom had been captured by the L.A. Raiders. Annie Kin tries to save her and finds her still alive, but just barely. They have a bittersweet reunion, she dies, and then Annie kills all of the L.A. Raiders: the offensive line, the defensive players, the special teams… even the ball boys. He returns to his step family with his mom’s body. Annie Kin is now determined to become the master of death, so he never loses a loved one again (which speaks to the film’s overall moral, that love is the root of all evil).

Meanwhile in Geneva, Opie-Wand realizes Count Dookie is behind the assassination attempts on Pat Me. Still playing a good guy, Ovaltine – now Supreme Chancellor – is granted emergency powers (at the suggestion of the imbecilic Jar Jar) to do whatever he wants. Bad move, Jar Jar!

Annie and Pat Me go to Geneva to try to help Opie-Wand, but all three are captured and sentenced to death. They’re about to die when a bunch of clone troopers, led by Jetta masters Yoga and Samuel L. Jackson, swoop in to rescue them. Samuel L. Jackson kills Django; Dookie injures Opie-Wand and cuts off Annie Kin’s right arm. Enter Yoga, whose minuscule size and green skin are not at all indicators of his power, which is pretty awesome. Dookie flees, returning to Sid Vicious and giving him plans for a super-sinister weapon.

Annie gets a robotic arm, which he uses to embrace his new bride, Pat Me, who he married in secret (like priests, Jettas aren’t supposed to marry).