If you’re excited to see Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens but want to rewatch episodes 1-6 first – but just can’t seem to find the time – first of all: congratulations on having a life. What’s that like?
Second, we have exactly what you’re looking for, with six incredibly accurate synopses. There's just enough crucial detail in each summary that we've elected to break them apart into six different posts. This is Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back. Remember this film OK or just don't care? You can quickly find synopses of the other films here:
Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back
The rebellion has been forced to relocate its headquarters to Hot, a planet which isn’t hot at all but, rather, is quite cold. Leah leads the charge with Lucas and Indiana Jones at her side, until Lucas gets captured by a wombat. He uses his lightsaver to escape, sees the ghost of Opie-Wand – who tells him to go to Daggonit and train under Yoga. Indiana Jones rescues Lucas from the cold soon thereafter, and saves him by gutting a recently deceased Tom Tom and placing Lucas’ frozen body inside.
Indiana Jones soon uncovers an Android phone sent by the Imperial Feet, which means the empire has determined their hideout. All heck breaks loose, but Indiana Jones, Leah and C-3-Pee-Oh all escape in the Millennial Falcor, and Dark Vader enlists the help of bounty hunter Bubba Feta (I told you he’d be back!) in his search for Indiana Jones. Indiana Jones and Leah bond in an uncomfortably flirtatious fashion. Bubba eventually captures the crew and turns them over to Dark Vader, who plans on using them to lure Lucas out of hiding.
Meanwhile, Lucas and R-2-Dee-2 crash land exactly where Opie-Wand told Lucas to go: Daggonit. Lucas listens to “Eye of the Tiger” on his Walkman and enjoys running up the steps at the Philadelphia Art Museum (PAM) and is on his way to becoming a great Jetta when he has a premonition about Leah and Indiana being tortured. He leaves Yoga to go save them.
Dark Vader reneges on his agreement with Landboat – a supposed friend of Indiana Jones who actually helped Feta capture them – so Landboat feels bad and decides to try to rescue everyone he helped get captured. He saves everyone but Indiana Jones, who has been frozen in a block of carbon eyes and is being transported by Bubba Feta to Tattoo Ink, where he plans to get a bounty from Pizza the Hut.
Lucas falls for Vader’s trap and they get in a spat. Vader reveals he’s Lucas’ father, cuts off his son's right hand, and tries to get him to join him in a quest to overthrow the emperor (and you think your family is messed up). Lucas falls, gets picked up by Leah, and then joins the rest of the crew – minus the still missing Indiana Jones – aboard Falcor. Lucas gets a robotic hand for Christmas (like father, like son!), while Landboat and Chuy Bacca take off in search of Bubba Feta and Indiana Jones.