New Year’s Resolution Purchase Just An Expensive Coat Rack By This Point

This $3,000 coat rack will be paid off in just 36 months.

This $3,000 coat rack will be paid off in just 36 months.

CHICAGO—When James and Alice Madison set their goals for 2016, they had high hopes for “getting healthy” and “taking better care” of themselves.

“We started off really great, too,” said James. “I mean, sure, we’d stayed up late New Year’s Eve and were too hung over on Jan. 1 to work out, but you can bet we hit our new elliptical pretty hard on Jan. 2.”

“That’s for sure,” Alice agreed. “I’ve never worked out so hard in my life. Between working out daily and eating healthier that first week of January, I lost two pounds and James lost almost three."

When asked how regularly they use their $3,000 Precor elliptical now that we’re nearly three weeks into the New Year, the couple admits their workout vigor has started to taper off.

“We’re busy people,” said James. “We both work full-time jobs, and we spend two hours commuting to and from work every day. But I still work out at least once, maybe twice, every couple weeks."

The couple might be burning fewer calories now that 2016 is nearly 1/12 over, but their new, gym-quality piece of equipment isn’t exactly going to waste.

“It’s been super helpful for when we return home from work and don’t have the energy to walk all the way across the room to hang our coats in the closet. This way, they’re always nearby whenever we need them,” said James.

Now that they're losing hope for 2016, what does the couple have planned for 2017?

“I think we’ll really get serious about being healthy in 2017. We might even get one of those spin class bicycles,” said Alice. “That’s something we could really use, you know?”

These Child Actors Grew Up

Think your favorite child actors are frozen in time? Think again! It doesn’t matter how many times you rewatch Goonies or Jerry Macguire, chances are most – if not all – of those adorable young faces are all grown up. Don’t believe us? Check out this recap of some of Hollywood’s most precious younglings.

Harry Potter
Think this boy wizard has the elixir of life? Think again, dummy! The sorcerer's stone was destroyed years ago and, with it, Harry Potter's chance of eternal youth.

 

 

Kevin McCallister
This is my childhood, and I have to defend it. But watching the film every year won't keep Kevin, or you, from growing up. Or haven’t you seen Home Alone 2?

 

 

Punky Brewster
It’s true, reader. Punky Brewster betrayed your trust and eventually got her period. Grodie! 

 

 

 

 

Data
Think Data is still a kid just because you watched Goonies last night? That does not compute.

 

 

 

 

Little Girl in E.T.
Nobody knows what this girl’s name is in real life, but chances are she eventually flashed her chest on late night T.V. because – guess what – sources estimate E.T. was released more than 15 years ago!

 

 

 

Michelle Tanner
The only bombshell bigger than realizing little Michelle couldn’t stay little forever is learning that the show’s producers actually had two actresses playing her. Can you believe that?!

 

 

 

Kevin Arnold
There’s no way of knowing what this kid from Wonder Years is up to now, but we bet he's somehow stuck in the daily grind.

 

 

 

 

Baby Sinclair
I don’t know what you learned in school, but even baby dinosaurs grow up eventually. Rumor has it Baby Sinclair now owns and operates a chain of gas stations across the western half of the U.S. If that's not proof that he's "not the baby" any more, we don't know what is.

 

 

Gizmo
If you thought this little guy looked hideous when he was fed after midnight, you should see him now!

 

 

 

Maggie Simpson
Even this adorable doll has to grow up eventually. Right?

Star Wars Episode VI: A Summary

Yeah! This is the last time we'll use this photo. The last time today, anyway.

Yeah! This is the last time we'll use this photo. The last time today, anyway.

If you’re excited to see Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens but want to rewatch episodes 1-6 first – but just can’t seem to find the time – first of all: congratulations on having a life. What’s that like?

Second, we have exactly what you’re looking for, with six incredibly accurate synopses. There's just enough crucial detail in each summary that we've elected to break them apart into six different posts. This is Episode VI: Return of the Jetta. Remember this film OK or just don't care? You can quickly find synopses of the other films here:

Episode VI:  The Return of the Jetta

Everyone heads to Tattoo Ink in an attempt to rescue Indiana Jones, who is being held prisoner by a giant slug named Pizza the Hut. Leah and Lucas are dummies and both get captured, with Lucas and Indiana Jones being sentenced to death by way of Carl’s Sack, which is just as scary as it sounds.

Lucas battles his way out Carl’s Sack and Indiana Jones knocks Bubba Feta into Carl’s Sack. Everyone is happy and free (except for Bubba Feta, who is dead) and most return to the Rebel Wilson Fan Club headquarters. Lucas, however, returns to Daggonit to resume his training. But guess what? Yoga is dying! Before he kicks it, Yoga confirms that Dark Vader is Lucas’ pop-pop – and that there is another Skywalker. Opie-Wand’s ghost confirms Leah is the other Skywalker, and Lucas throws up repeatedly when he realizes he’s had the Hoths for his twin sister.*

The Rebel Wilson Fan Club realizes the emperor is building a new Death Star and travels to And/Or in an attempt to destroy it. There, they meet a group of adorable, little Mogwai who must NOT get wet after midnight. But they do get wet, and angry, and a conflict ensues. They soon dry off and become allies. Lucas informs Leah that he’s her brother from the same mother, and they were both spawned by Dark Vader.

Lucas surrenders himself to Vader and attempts to get his pop-pop to give up the darkness. Vader instead tries to convince Lucas to become a Cyst Lord, but Lucas said “that’s just grodie.” Meanwhile on And/Or, Indiana Jones is about to be captured by the Imperial Feet, but gets rescued by the Mogwai! The Rebel Wilson Fan Club is able to turn off the Death Star’s shield, which means it can be destroyed (déjà vu!).

Vader takes Lucas to Emperor Ovaltine aka Dark Sid Vicious. When Lucas refuses to become a Cyst, Dark Vader finally realizes Leah is Lucas’ sister (aka his daughter) and threatens to turn her to the darth side. Lucas becomes enraged and cuts off Vader’s fake right hand (so many right hands are lost in this series!). Sid Vicious tries to convince Lucas to kill his pop-pop and take his place, and when Lucas refuses, Sid Vicious attacks him with some serious lightning.

Dark Vader finally mans up and fights to save his kid. He kills Sid Vicious but is mortally wounded in the process. Lucas removes his helmet and cradles his father’s severely disfigured head as he dies in his robotic arm. The Rebel Wilson Fan Club soon defeats the Imperial Feet and destroys the Death Star. Leah reveals to Indiana Jones that Lucas is her brother, so he can cool his jets and kiss her already.

Lucas cremates his pop-pop on And/Or, and then sees the spirits of Yoda, Opie-Wand and the redeemed Annie Kin released from Voldemort’s wand. They are watching over the Rebel Wilson Fan Club, which makes Lucas smile.

*OK, so he doesn’t actually do this. But he should have! That plot twist is just gross.

Star Wars Episode V: A Summary

At the very least, The Phantom Menace would've been improved by Maude's presence. Am I right?

At the very least, The Phantom Menace would've been improved by Maude's presence. Am I right?

If you’re excited to see Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens but want to rewatch episodes 1-6 first – but just can’t seem to find the time – first of all: congratulations on having a life. What’s that like?

Second, we have exactly what you’re looking for, with six incredibly accurate synopses. There's just enough crucial detail in each summary that we've elected to break them apart into six different posts. This is Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back. Remember this film OK or just don't care? You can quickly find synopses of the other films here:

Episode V:  The Empire Strikes Back

The rebellion has been forced to relocate its headquarters to Hot, a planet which isn’t hot at all but, rather, is quite cold. Leah leads the charge with Lucas and Indiana Jones at her side, until Lucas gets captured by a wombat. He uses his lightsaver to escape, sees the ghost of Opie-Wand – who tells him to go to Daggonit and train under Yoga. Indiana Jones rescues Lucas from the cold soon thereafter, and saves him by gutting a recently deceased Tom Tom and placing Lucas’ frozen body inside.

Indiana Jones soon uncovers an Android phone sent by the Imperial Feet, which means the empire has determined their hideout. All heck breaks loose, but Indiana Jones, Leah and C-3-Pee-Oh all escape in the Millennial Falcor, and Dark Vader enlists the help of bounty hunter Bubba Feta (I told you he’d be back!) in his search for Indiana Jones. Indiana Jones and Leah bond in an uncomfortably flirtatious fashion. Bubba eventually captures the crew and turns them over to Dark Vader, who plans on using them to lure Lucas out of hiding.

Meanwhile, Lucas and R-2-Dee-2 crash land exactly where Opie-Wand told Lucas to go: Daggonit. Lucas listens to “Eye of the Tiger” on his Walkman and enjoys running up the steps at the Philadelphia Art Museum (PAM) and is on his way to becoming a great Jetta when he has a premonition about Leah and Indiana being tortured. He leaves Yoga to go save them.

Dark Vader reneges on his agreement with Landboat – a supposed friend of Indiana Jones who actually helped Feta capture them – so Landboat feels bad and decides to try to rescue everyone he helped get captured. He saves everyone but Indiana Jones, who has been frozen in a block of carbon eyes and is being transported by Bubba Feta to Tattoo Ink, where he plans to get a bounty from Pizza the Hut.

Lucas falls for Vader’s trap and they get in a spat. Vader reveals he’s Lucas’ father, cuts off his son's right hand, and tries to get him to join him in a quest to overthrow the emperor (and you think your family is messed up). Lucas falls, gets picked up by Leah, and then joins the rest of the crew – minus the still missing Indiana Jones – aboard Falcor. Lucas gets a robotic hand for Christmas (like father, like son!), while Landboat and Chuy Bacca take off in search of Bubba Feta and Indiana Jones.

Star Wars Episode IV: A Summary

Just two more to go, folks.

Just two more to go, folks.

If you’re excited to see Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens but want to rewatch episodes 1-6 first – but just can’t seem to find the time – first of all: congratulations on having a life. What’s that like?

Second, we have exactly what you’re looking for, with six incredibly accurate synopses. There's just enough crucial detail in each summary that we've elected to break them apart into six different posts. This is Episode IV: A New Hope. Remember this film OK or just don't care? You can quickly find synopses of the other films here:

Episode IV:  A New Hope

A civil war has erupted, and the rebel alliance has discovered plans for a super sinister weapon the Galactic Empire plans to use against them. Princess Leah hides the blueprints inside one of her droids, but she gets captured by Dark Vader soon thereafter. Vader is a big dummy and, despite all of his powers, doesn’t realize Leah is his daughter.

Leah’s droids escape to Tattoo Ink, where they’re captured by scrap dealers and eventually purchased by Lucas and his step uncle, Owen. Lucas accidentally plays a distress call from Leah, stored inside R-2-Dee-2, that implies she needs the help of Opie-Wand Nairobi. The only Nairobi Lucas knows is Ben Nairobi, an old loner who moved to Tattoo Ink at about the same time Lucas was born. What a coincidence! Lucas bumps into Ben in the desert, Ben reveals himself to be Opie-Wand, and tells Lucas that his dad was a Jetta who was killed by Dark Vader (a partial truth at best).

Lucas realizes that while he’s been out gallivanting in the desert, his aunt and uncle were killed by troops looking for the droids. So he decides to join Opie-Wand and the droids in their quest to save Leah, whom he determines from her hologram message to be “really hot.” They enlist the help of archeologist Indiana Jones and his Wookie sidekick, Chuy Bacca, but Indiana Jones has a serious attitude and really only cares about the money.

Fast forward a little bit, and they eventually rescue Leah – who Lucas and Indiana both agree is totally more “hottie” than “nottie” – who has more brain power than both of them combined. During the rescue, Opie-Wand is killed by Dark Vader, but it’s clear he wanted to be killed because he’ll come back “more powerful than ever.”

Leah’s quick thinking gets them out of a few pickles; they eventually return to the rebel base and are able to examine the blueprints of the Death Star, which has already been used to blow up Leah’s home planet, Alderman. They are able to determine the Death Star’s weakness; Indiana abandons the group with his reward in tow; a bunch of dudes die trying to make it work; and it’s finally down to just Lucas. Dark Vader is pursuing Lucas and Lucas is in big trouble until Indiana Jones shows up in his Millennial Falcor ship and covers Lucas while he fires away at the Death Star’s weakness.

The Death Star blows up.