Star Wars Episode IV: A Summary

Just two more to go, folks.

Just two more to go, folks.

If you’re excited to see Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens but want to rewatch episodes 1-6 first – but just can’t seem to find the time – first of all: congratulations on having a life. What’s that like?

Second, we have exactly what you’re looking for, with six incredibly accurate synopses. There's just enough crucial detail in each summary that we've elected to break them apart into six different posts. This is Episode IV: A New Hope. Remember this film OK or just don't care? You can quickly find synopses of the other films here:

Episode IV:  A New Hope

A civil war has erupted, and the rebel alliance has discovered plans for a super sinister weapon the Galactic Empire plans to use against them. Princess Leah hides the blueprints inside one of her droids, but she gets captured by Dark Vader soon thereafter. Vader is a big dummy and, despite all of his powers, doesn’t realize Leah is his daughter.

Leah’s droids escape to Tattoo Ink, where they’re captured by scrap dealers and eventually purchased by Lucas and his step uncle, Owen. Lucas accidentally plays a distress call from Leah, stored inside R-2-Dee-2, that implies she needs the help of Opie-Wand Nairobi. The only Nairobi Lucas knows is Ben Nairobi, an old loner who moved to Tattoo Ink at about the same time Lucas was born. What a coincidence! Lucas bumps into Ben in the desert, Ben reveals himself to be Opie-Wand, and tells Lucas that his dad was a Jetta who was killed by Dark Vader (a partial truth at best).

Lucas realizes that while he’s been out gallivanting in the desert, his aunt and uncle were killed by troops looking for the droids. So he decides to join Opie-Wand and the droids in their quest to save Leah, whom he determines from her hologram message to be “really hot.” They enlist the help of archeologist Indiana Jones and his Wookie sidekick, Chuy Bacca, but Indiana Jones has a serious attitude and really only cares about the money.

Fast forward a little bit, and they eventually rescue Leah – who Lucas and Indiana both agree is totally more “hottie” than “nottie” – who has more brain power than both of them combined. During the rescue, Opie-Wand is killed by Dark Vader, but it’s clear he wanted to be killed because he’ll come back “more powerful than ever.”

Leah’s quick thinking gets them out of a few pickles; they eventually return to the rebel base and are able to examine the blueprints of the Death Star, which has already been used to blow up Leah’s home planet, Alderman. They are able to determine the Death Star’s weakness; Indiana abandons the group with his reward in tow; a bunch of dudes die trying to make it work; and it’s finally down to just Lucas. Dark Vader is pursuing Lucas and Lucas is in big trouble until Indiana Jones shows up in his Millennial Falcor ship and covers Lucas while he fires away at the Death Star’s weakness.

The Death Star blows up.

Star Wars Episode III: A Summary

Yep, this cat again.

Yep, this cat again.

If you’re excited to see Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens but want to rewatch episodes 1-6 first – but just can’t seem to find the time – first of all: congratulations on having a life. What’s that like?

Second, we have exactly what you’re looking for, with six incredibly accurate synopses. There's just enough crucial detail in each summary that we've elected to break them apart into six different posts. This is Episode III: Revenge of the Cyst. Remember this film OK or just don't care? You can quickly find synopses of the other episodes here:

Episode III:  Revenge of the Cyst

Opie-Wand and Annie Kin lead a mission to rescue Ovaltine, who everyone stupidly still thinks is good, despite an overwhelming creep factor. Annie engages Dookie in a lightsaver battle and kills him at Ovaltine’s suggestion, which is a big no-no amongst the Jettas. Annie Kin returns to his wife, who is pregnant. Annie Kin almost immediately begins to have premonitions of Pat Me dying in childbirth, which underscores his desire to become the master of death.

Ovaltine appoints Annie to the Jetta Council, but the council – still fearing his darkness – refuses to title him Jetta Master. The council is finally getting suspicious of Ovaltine, and asks Annie to spy on him. Bad move, Jettas! Ovaltine uses this time to prey on Annie’s fears; unabashedly admits to being Dark Sid Vicious; and convinces Annie that the Darth side of the force can help him prevent Pat Me’s death. Initially conflicted, Annie tries to do the right thing and alerts the Jetta Council of Ovaltine’s true identity, but he gets really annoyed when he realizes they won’t let him assist with Ovaltine’s arrest.

Samuel L. Jackson subdues Ovaltine/Sid with his lightsaver and is about to kill him, but Annie intervenes and pleads with Samuel L. Jackon to capture, rather than kill, Palatine/Sid, so he can learn how to cheat death and save Pat Me. Samuel L. Jackson thinks that’s a dumb idea, so Annie Kin kills Samuel L. Jackson and pledges his allegiance to Dark Sid Vicious. Sid Vicious dubs Annie Kin “Dark Vader” and himself Emperor of the Galactic Empire, orders Dark Vader to kill all remaining Jettas – including the “younglings” in training – and also uses his political power to order the clone troopers to kill their Jetta commanders (and thus: the “storm troopers” are born).

Yoga and Opie-Wand somehow survive, realize what Annie Kin has done, and attempt to tell Pat Me all about it. She doesn’t believe Opie-Wand at first, but eventually questions Annie/Dark Vader about it. He gets angry with her for questioning him and starts to strangle her before Opie-Wand intervenes. They fight in a land of volcanic lava and ash, Dark Vader loses his three remaining limbs and gets some pretty serious burns. Opie-Wand leaves him to die, but he doesn’t die because Dark Sid Vicious saves him with more robotic limbs and a black plastic suit.

Yoga confronts Ovaltine/Sid Vicious but fails and goes into exile. Opie-Wand takes Pat Me to a hospital, and she gives birth to twins George Lucas and Leah before dying (most definitely a remnant of Annie’s strangle hold – in other words: in an attempt to save Pat Me from the fate he saw in his dreams, he becomes the very thing that kills her). The kids are separated and taken to different planets for their own safety, though there’s otherwise no attempt to hide their true identity (“Lucas” is even given his father’s real last name, Skywalker, and is raised by his dad’s stepbrother). Clearly, the witness protection program is in its nascent stages in this remote galaxy.

This movie includes General Gracious, who is actually more grievous than anything, but it’s an unnecessary side story you don’t need to worry about.  

Star Wars Episode II: A Summary

Did we mention the original Star Wars cast included a feline from the planet Awesome? Bear with us. We don't have a photo budget.

Did we mention the original Star Wars cast included a feline from the planet Awesome? Bear with us. We don't have a photo budget.

If you’re excited to see Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens but want to rewatch episodes 1-6 first – but just can’t seem to find the time – first of all: congratulations on having a life. What’s that like?

Second, we have exactly what you’re looking for, with six incredibly accurate synopses. There's just enough crucial detail in each summary that we've elected to break them apart into six different posts. This is Episode II: Attack of the Clones. Remember this film OK or just don't care? You can quickly find synopses of the other episodes here:

Episode II: Attack of the Clones

The Banana Republic is under attack from a Separatist movement led by former Jetta Master, Count Dookie. But guess what? Dookie is actually Dark Sid Vicious’ new apprentice, so Sid Vicious aka Ovaltine is actually behind it all. But Ovaltine is still thought to be one of the good guys!

No longer a queen, Armadillo aka Pat Me is now a senator, but when she shows up to vote, someone tries to kill her. What?! Enter Opie-Wand and Annie Kin to the rescue. Annie Kin is all grown up, and he has the braided rat tail to prove it. He and Opie-Wand track Pat Me’s hired assassin back to her original source, the planet Kimono. But only Opie-Wand goes to Kimono; Annie Kin stays behind with Pat Me, where Annie Kin starts to make his move on his childhood crush.

Opie-Wand realizes the Banana Republic has placed an order for an army made of clone soldiers, but don’t get the wrong idea: these clones aren’t modeled after Dolly the Sheep but, rather, they’re replicas of beefcake bounty hunter Django Feta, who sold his DNA in exchange for money, shelter and a son (Bubba). Keep an eye on Bubba! A Jetta Master eventually kills Django, leaving Bubba seriously outraged. Bet you’ll see him later.

But first: Annie Kin starts to have premonitions that his mother, who he hasn’t seen in years, is in trouble. So he and Pat Me return to Tattoo Ink to save her, only to realize she was sold by her original master to someone who freed her and then married her. Kinky! Anyway, it turns out his mom had been captured by the L.A. Raiders. Annie Kin tries to save her and finds her still alive, but just barely. They have a bittersweet reunion, she dies, and then Annie kills all of the L.A. Raiders: the offensive line, the defensive players, the special teams… even the ball boys. He returns to his step family with his mom’s body. Annie Kin is now determined to become the master of death, so he never loses a loved one again (which speaks to the film’s overall moral, that love is the root of all evil).

Meanwhile in Geneva, Opie-Wand realizes Count Dookie is behind the assassination attempts on Pat Me. Still playing a good guy, Ovaltine – now Supreme Chancellor – is granted emergency powers (at the suggestion of the imbecilic Jar Jar) to do whatever he wants. Bad move, Jar Jar!

Annie and Pat Me go to Geneva to try to help Opie-Wand, but all three are captured and sentenced to death. They’re about to die when a bunch of clone troopers, led by Jetta masters Yoga and Samuel L. Jackson, swoop in to rescue them. Samuel L. Jackson kills Django; Dookie injures Opie-Wand and cuts off Annie Kin’s right arm. Enter Yoga, whose minuscule size and green skin are not at all indicators of his power, which is pretty awesome. Dookie flees, returning to Sid Vicious and giving him plans for a super-sinister weapon.

Annie gets a robotic arm, which he uses to embrace his new bride, Pat Me, who he married in secret (like priests, Jettas aren’t supposed to marry).

Star Wars Episode I: A Summary

It's a little known fact that the original Star Wars cast featured Maude LaGata, a sassy cat with a "git 'er done" attitude.

It's a little known fact that the original Star Wars cast featured Maude LaGata, a sassy cat with a "git 'er done" attitude.

If you’re excited to see Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens but want to rewatch episodes 1-6 first – but just can’t seem to find the time – first of all: congratulations on having a life. What’s that like?

Second, we have exactly what you’re looking for, with six incredibly accurate synopses. There's just enough crucial detail in each summary that we've elected to break them apart into six different posts. This is Episode I: The Phantom Menace. Remember this film OK or just don't care? You can quickly find synopses of the other films here:

Episode I: The Phantom Menace

Easily the worst in the series, this film was truly a “menace” to my Thursday night. In this episode, Jetta Master Kiwi Jim and his apprentice Opie-Wand Nairobi are sent to negotiate with the Chinese (they call them the “Trade Federation”), who are under the influence of the evil Cyst Lord, Dark Sid Vicious.

Sid Vicious always has a hood over his head, but it’s clear to anyone watching – and yet somehow escapes the attention of everything in the film – that Sid Vicious is actually Senator Ovaltine. As an esteemed member of the Banana Republic, Ovaltine is supposed to be one of the good guys. But guess what? He isn’t. There can only be two Cyst Lords at any moment in time – the master and his apprentice – and his apprentice in this film is Dark Mall, a mean dude with a red face and a double-ended lightsaver.

Meanwhile, Queen Armadillo (aka Pat Me) somehow meets up with Opie-Wand and Kiwi Jim, and they wind up in Tattoo Ink, a desert planet. I can’t remember why they’re there, but in the process of visiting a scrap dealer, they meet a wee little slave boy named Annie Kin who has a major case of the Forces. There’s a sizable age gap between Annie Kin and Armadillo, but guess what? They’re going to make babies together some day, but we’ll get to that later.

Anyway… Kiwi Jim tests Annie Kin’s blood and realizes it’s swimming with chloroformians, the tiny particles that power the Force. His chloroformian levels are off the hook, in fact, so Kiwi Jim decides to take Annie with him and train him as his next Celebrity Apprentice™, though no one else in the Jetta Council, including Jetta Masters Yoga and Samuel L. Jackson, thinks he should. They all fear Annie Kin and see a darkness in him.

Dark Mall eventually kills Kiwi Jim, Opie-Wand cuts Dark Mall in two, and Kiwi Jim has just enough life left in him to ask Opie-Wand to train Annie in the ways of the Force. Also, this is the movie that includes the horrible Jar Jar Binks, whose role in the film serves only to offend Jamaicans and annoy everyone else.

On The Issues – Quotes From Trump And Past Presidents

Trump Cat

Trump Cat

ON WALLS
"Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall." –Ronald Reagan

"I will build a great wall — and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me —and I'll build them very inexpensively. I will build a great, great wall on our southern border, and I will make Mexico pay for that wall. Mark my words." –Donald Trump

 

ON SERVING YOUR COUNTRY
"Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country." –John Fitzgerald Kennedy

"He's not a war hero. He was a war hero because he was captured. I like people who weren't captured." –Donald Trump

 

ON SAYING THINGS YOU SHOULDN’T
"I have never been hurt by anything I didn't say." –Calvin Coolidge

"You know, it really doesn’t matter what [the media] write as long as you’ve got a young and beautiful piece of ass." –Donald Trump (1991 interview for Esquire)

 

ON BEING A PARENT
"I’m inspired by the love people have for their children. And I’m inspired by my own children, how full they make my heart. They make me want to work to make the world a little bit better. And they make me want to be a better man." –Barack Obama

"She does have a very nice figure . . .  if [she] weren't my daughter, perhaps I'd be dating her." –Donald Trump



ON FEAR
"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." –Franklin Delano Roosevelt

"When Mexico sends its people, they're not sending their best [sic]. They're sending people that have lots of problems. They're bringing drugs. They're bringing crime. They're rapists." –Donald Trump

 

ON RACE
"If slavery is not wrong, nothing is wrong." –Abraham Lincoln

"Laziness is a trait in the blacks. ... Black guys counting my money! I hate it. The only kind of people I want counting my money are short guys that wear yarmulkes every day." –Donald Trump

 

ON FREEDOM OF EXPRESSION
"We need not fear the expression of ideas—we do need to fear their suppression."  –Harry Truman

"Nobody wants to say this and nobody wants to shut down religious institutions or anything, but you know, you understand it. A lot of people understand it. We’re going to have no choice [but to close down mosques]." –Donald Trump

 

ON RESPECTING OTHERS
"Don't try to fine-tune somebody else's view." –George H. W. Bush

"You could see there was blood coming out of her eyes. Blood coming out of her wherever." –Donald Trump, insulting Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly over questions she asked during the first Republican primary debate

 

ON COMMUNITY
"We need a spirit of community, a sense that we are all in this together. If we have no sense of community, the American dream will wither." –Bill Clinton

"People love me. And you know what, I have been very successful. Everybody loves me." –Donald Trump

 

ON RESPECTING DIFFERENCES
"If we cannot end now our differences, at least we can help make the world safe for diversity." –John Fitzgerald Kennedy

"Look at that face. Would anyone vote for that? Can you imagine that? The face of our next president? I mean, she's a woman, and I'm not supposed to say bad things, but really, folks, come on. Are we serious?" –Donald Trump, regarding Carly Fiorina

 

ON FOOLS
"You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you cannot fool all of the people all of the time." –Abraham Lincoln

"Sorry losers and haters, but my I.Q. is one of the highest – and you all know it! Please don't feel so stupid or insecure, it's not your fault." –Donald Trump



ON FREEDOM OF THE PRESS
"Absolute freedom of the press to discuss public questions is a foundation stone of American liberty." –Herbert Hoover

“You wouldn't have your job if you weren't beautiful." –Donald Trump (spoken to a female reporter)

 

ON THE SHAPE OF THINGS
"We did not come to fear the future. We came here to shape it." –Barack Obama

"My fingers are long and beautiful, as, it has been well documented, are various other parts of my body." –Donald Trump

 

ON LIMITS
"Recognizing and confronting our history is important. Transcending our history is essential. We are not limited by what we have done, or what we have left undone. We are limited only by what we are willing to do." –George W. Bush

“You can never be too greedy.” –Donald Trump

 

ON CHANGE
"Change will not come if we wait for some other person, or if we wait for some other time. We are the ones we've been waiting for. We are the change that we seek." –Barack Obama

“Everything in life is luck.” –Donald Trump

 

ON ENEMIES
"Do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends?" –Abraham Lincoln

“I don’t like losers.” –Donald Trump

 

ON FOREIGN POLICY
"The best way to enhance freedom in other lands is to demonstrate here that our democratic system is worthy of emulation." –Jimmy Carter

“My favorite part [of Pulp Fiction] is when Sam has his gun out in the diner and he tells the guy to tell his girlfriend to shut up. Tell that bitch to be cool. Say: 'Bitch be cool.' I love those lines.” –Donald Trump (TrumpNation: The Art of Being The Donald, 2005)

 


ON KINDNESS
"I want a kinder, gentler nation." –George H.W. Bush

“All the women on The Apprentice flirted with me — consciously or unconsciously. That’s to be expected.” –Donald Trump

 

ON BREASTFEEDING MOTHERS
"You're disgusting, you're disgusting." –Donald Trump