"Please Just Stop," Says World

I would unite with anybody to do right and with nobody to do wrong. –Frederick Douglass

Within 24-hours, attacks perpetuated by the same terrorist organization killed 129 in Paris, 44 in Beirut and 26 in Baghdad – and this speaks nothing of the hundreds wounded in those three cities.

And let’s not forget the Russian passenger plane that was brought down two weeks ago, killing all 224 people on board. Dare I mention the people of Syria, who are dying as they flee their war-torn country in search of normalcy?  Or the horrible atrocities that affect people around the globe every day, that are often a mere blip in your newsfeed?

Note the emphasis on people.  No matter which country you hail from, or where you reside now. Regardless of your religion, your skin color, your whatever. We are all people sharing this planet. People with wishes, dreams, aspirations. People who laugh, cry and sing. People who go to the market. People with bills to pay. People with music to listen to and books to read.

None of us are entirely great, nor wholly without sin. We see it every day in others and in ourselves. We are an imperfect species, beautiful in one breath and terrible in the next.

It’s a battle as old as our bones; any history book will tell you that. No matter how far we come, we continue to have so very far to go. We abolish one horrific act and somewhere, someone else perpetuates another. It is an ongoing battle, a leaky hose that refuses to be fixed. We tell ourselves it will never truly end, so why bother trying? We go about our days, keep our head down, and hope for the best. We live our lives, only occasionally – especially on days like today – stopping to ask that we be allowed to do so until the natural end of our days.

But not everyone is so fortunate. Not everyone will have that wish granted. Not everyone can take the day for granted and continue to hope for the best. And so it goes for the many lives lost, and the countless lives impacted, in yesterday’s senseless acts. And because it is all indeed so very senseless: the world's heart is aching.

We are all embroiled in an ongoing battle between light and dark. For some people, the latter triumphs. Hopelessness turns to hate, and the monster grows from within.  As strange as it might seem, I feel sorry for those people. Anyone who loses their humanity – anyone who fails to appreciate the delicate nature of life – has lost the war, regardless of however many battles they think they win. And we must, as a people sharing this planet – as a species simultaneously capable of beauty and terror – always strive for beauty to win out.

Because we are, at our core, so much better than all of this.

New Chicago Resident Can't Wait To Swim In Lake Michigan's Pristine Waters

Beautiful Monroe Harbor

CHICAGO, Ill.–Citing a love of aquatic sports and the lake's proximity to her new Gold Coast apartment, St. Louis transplant Judith Law is already looking forward to summer.

"I'm a little bummed I chose to move to Chicago in the fall, because one of the things that really drew me here was the lake and the miles upon miles of beachfront. I mean, Lake Michigan is massive. Allow yourself to forget you're in the middle of this country, and you'd almost think it's an ocean," said Law.

Geese enjoying a pile of human waste along Chicago's shoreline

Law noted she's heard Chicagoans swim in it all summer long, and she "can't wait for that first warm day when the beaches open up and I can allow the lake's pristine waters to wash all over my delicate, disease-prone body."

Law admitted she hasn't fully researched reports concerning the water's quality, but insists it "must be clean" if the beaches fill up every day in the summer and "geese clearly enjoy it here" in the colder months.

"I have to admit though," she added. "I've been a little concerned by the number of dead fish and floating debris I've see during my walks around the lake. But I assume they clean all of that up with profuse amounts of chlorine by summer time, right? Or does it all just eventually sink to the bottom?"

"Out of sight, out of mind," she said.

Noting a basic modicum of "human decency," Law also isn't the least bit concerned about people using the lake as a giant toilet and/or garbage receptacle.

"They have port-a-pots and trash cans along the beaches for a reason," Law concluded. "With such proximity to reasonable ways of disposing of human waste, both biological and commercial, surely everyone uses them."

Nonsmoker can't get enough of that sweet, secondhand smoke

Cigarettes and cigarette boxes make great fertilizer, as seen here in a planter in downtown Chicago

CHICAGO, Ill.–When Jeanine Dennison's office relocated to Chicago from the suburbs last year, she fell in love with the city. But like many relationships, there was one dark mark that dampened the otherwise sunny affair.

"I just couldn't get over all of the cigarette smoke," said Dennison. "It was insane. I still lived in the suburbs, so I took the Metra every day, and the walk from the train station to my downtown office was literally a haze."

Having few hobbies aside from a love of math, Dennison soon calculated that, on average, she passes 57 lighted cigarettes every day on her way to and from work, lunch-time walks included.

"Sure, I only get one or two good whiffs from each cigarette I pass, but I'd say by the day's end, I've secondhand smoked at least half a pack," said Dennison.

Dennison originally tried to "hopscotch" around the smokers, but with little success.

"No matter what I did, there was always someone walking with a cigarette in their hand. And even though the smoke burned my eyes and throat, caused headaches, and made me a little nauseous, I eventually realized that attempting to avoid it was pointless."

Soon after giving in, things took an unexpected turn for Dennison.

"I've been working in the city for almost a year now, and sometimes find myself seeking out the smoke," she admitted. "It's the strangest thing. I mean, the smoke still burns my eyes and throat and is a confirmed migraine trigger, but it also fills my body with a sense of euphoria that I've never known before. Some of the smells are more exhilarating than others, and I'm drawn to certain ones like a gold digger to a retirement home."

Dennison admits to walking a little more slowly whenever a smoker is in front of her, and has even turned around to trail a smoker who passed her. When asked if she has possibly become addicted, Dennison tried to remain optimistic.

"I mean, sure, I have to clear my throat a lot more than I used to, and I now have what my doctor describes as a 'smoker's cough.' And, yeah, I've started collecting discarded cigarette butts just so I can smell them whenever I need a hit, but that's completely normal... right?"

Man going to hit snooze button just one more time

Life can wait

CHICAGO, Ill.—At 5:35 this morning, Oriole Park man Mitchell Brooks swore this would be the last time he hit the snooze button before getting out of bed.

But sources close to Mitchell confirmed he continued to hit snooze every nine minutes for the next hour.

“Whenever his alarm went off, he’d hit the snooze and swear it'd be the last time,” said his wife, Linda. “It wouldn’t be so annoying, if it weren’t for the fact that he does this every morning, and I have my own alarms to contend with.”

Between their respective phone alarms, the hours of 5 a.m. to 6:30 a.m. are generally riddled with a cacophony of ringtones every three minutes.

“It’s probably the most restless part of our day,” said Linda. “But what are we supposed to do? The human body isn’t designed to get up this early, and let’s be honest—there isn’t really anything that great waiting for us once we do.”

Both contend their reaction to their morning alarm has changed with time.

"I used to jump out of bed at the sound of my first alarm, ready to start the day," said Mitchell. "I'd only hit snooze if I'd been out late with friends the night before. But now that time and disappointment have set in, I have a really hard time taking my alarms seriously. Most mornings they just trigger an emotional response that can best be described as 'Pavlovian depression.'"

He added that when he started using his phone's alarm in lieu of a traditional alarm clock, he initially struggled to find the snooze option every morning, and that delay would sometimes cause him to wake up.

 "But now I don't even have to open my eyes," he continued. "My fingers know exactly where to go."

This cat predicted all of the mayoral and gubernatorial winners in last night’s elections–you’ll never guess who she’s picked to win President

i can haz prezident

CHICAGO, Ill.—There might not have been any elections in Chicagoland last night, but that didn’t prevent one north-side feline from accurately predicting the winner in every race she was asked about.

Miss Beatrice Featherbottom, 8 in cat years (40 in human), was given a cell phone with a list of races and candidates, and was asked to touch the screen whenever the name of the winner appeared. She was asked about 36 different elections, and correctly guessed each one.

“I wouldn’t call it ‘guessing,’” corrected her human confidant, Maya West. “She really has a sixth sense when it comes to stuff like this. It’s uncanny. There were only a few races where she even hesitated. For the most part, she knew right away. And regardless of whether or not she paused, she was always spot-on.”

From the elections of Republicans Matt Bevin and Phil Bryant to the governors’ seats in Kentucky and Mississippi, respectively, to lesser-known mayoral races—like Indiana’s Columbia City—Miss Beatrice Featherbottom’s record is untarnished.

“She also predicted Rahm Emanuel’s reelection back in April,” said Maya. “Which was somewhat bittersweet for her, as Emanuel is adamantly opposed to granting animals the right to vote."

Once news of Miss Beatrice Featherbottom's successful predictions began to spread, she was approached to also call the 2016 Presidential election.

Bert + Ernie = Bernie

“She seems to feel pretty strongly that Ben Carson’s popularity will tank in the next month or so, at which point Trump will—like his hair in an autumn breeze—rise again, and approach Carson to be his running mate,” said Maya. “But she's not really happy about it; after she selected those two, she made a sound that could only be described as the cat equivalent of a depressed sigh. As for the Democratic ticket, we’re looking at a Clinton/Sanders lineup. I know, because she keeps pulling up videos of two appropriately named Muppets on my phone.”

As for the final winner, Miss Beatrice Featherbottom has been a little more hesitant. “She honest-to-goodness starts shaking whenever I ask her. I’m pretty sure that’s her way of saying, ‘No matter who wins, we’re screwed.'”