Interim Chicago Chief Promises To Do A Better Job Covering Up Police Misconduct

Acting CPD Superintendent John Escalante

CHICAGO—Shortly after being appointed interim police superintendent in a city embroiled in gang violence and suffering from an escalating mistrust of public officials, 29-year CPD veteran John Escalante was quick to make one promise to the people of Chicago. 

"Gone are the days of using protests and demonstrations to bend government officials to the will of the people," said Escalante. "We as a department need to do a better job covering up police misconduct in the first place, before public dissent even begins. If word hadn't leaked of the video that showed a black teenager being fatally shot by a Chicago police officer sixteen times, we wouldn't have been in this position in the first place."

Escalante lauded the actions of police officers who allegedly deleted surveillance video footage of the shooting at a nearby Burger King as "something to aspire to." He added: "We will make more efforts to clean our bloody footprints from city streets before your camera phones can capture them."

Escalante insists that this will bring peace to the City of Chicago. 

"To quote the Bible, 'Knowledge begets distrust. Distrust begets protests. And protests beget violence,'" said Escalante. "We must break this vicious cycle before more police officers lose their jobs."

New Chicago Resident Can't Wait To Swim In Lake Michigan's Pristine Waters

Beautiful Monroe Harbor

CHICAGO, Ill.–Citing a love of aquatic sports and the lake's proximity to her new Gold Coast apartment, St. Louis transplant Judith Law is already looking forward to summer.

"I'm a little bummed I chose to move to Chicago in the fall, because one of the things that really drew me here was the lake and the miles upon miles of beachfront. I mean, Lake Michigan is massive. Allow yourself to forget you're in the middle of this country, and you'd almost think it's an ocean," said Law.

Geese enjoying a pile of human waste along Chicago's shoreline

Law noted she's heard Chicagoans swim in it all summer long, and she "can't wait for that first warm day when the beaches open up and I can allow the lake's pristine waters to wash all over my delicate, disease-prone body."

Law admitted she hasn't fully researched reports concerning the water's quality, but insists it "must be clean" if the beaches fill up every day in the summer and "geese clearly enjoy it here" in the colder months.

"I have to admit though," she added. "I've been a little concerned by the number of dead fish and floating debris I've see during my walks around the lake. But I assume they clean all of that up with profuse amounts of chlorine by summer time, right? Or does it all just eventually sink to the bottom?"

"Out of sight, out of mind," she said.

Noting a basic modicum of "human decency," Law also isn't the least bit concerned about people using the lake as a giant toilet and/or garbage receptacle.

"They have port-a-pots and trash cans along the beaches for a reason," Law concluded. "With such proximity to reasonable ways of disposing of human waste, both biological and commercial, surely everyone uses them."