Netflix to Charge Users $1 for Failing to Rewind Videos

Be Kind and Rewind – or Pay Up

LOS GATOS, Calif. – Netflix announced on Monday that they will soon begin charging users a $1 fee if they fail to rewind a video after watching it. This fee applies not just to streaming services, but DVD and Blu-Ray rentals as well.

“Our call centers have been overrun with complaints from customers who’ve attempted to view movies from the beginning, only to find videos starting midway through,” said public relations manager Stephanie Meriwether. “We didn’t think this was possible, but we had our movie scientists look into it, and they confirmed the problem is caused by users failing to rewind videos, thereby leaving the movie at some random point when the next user goes to watch it.”

“We had to hire a team dedicated specifically to rewinding DVDs and streaming videos,” Meriwether continued. “This $1 penalty will help recoup that cost without further raising monthly fees for our more responsible customers.”

Netflix is already rolling out a $1 increase in monthly fees for its most popular plan, and insists the two increases aren’t related.

When asked about this penalty, many Netflix customers were baffled.

“Is this an April Fool’s joke?” asked one user. “Or some lame attempt at humor that you’ll find on some unknown chick’s quote unquote ‘satire’ blog?”

Another was determined to step up her BE KIND, REWIND game.

“I remember my mom telling me once about machines that did nothing but rewind videos,” said Dakota Masters, 20. “I guess I’ll look into getting one of those, because I really don’t want to wear out the rewind button on my remote.”

Father-To-Be Catalogs Descent Into Dad Bod

Sure, expectant dads often experience sympathy pains when their significant other has a little one on the way, but did you know dads also tend to pack on the pounds during those 40 precious weeks?

Dad-to-be Oliver Digglesworth has been cataloging his weight gain, and he's ready to share his new physique with the world.

"It's unfortunate how much dad shaming goes on today," said Oliver. "It's completely normal to pack on a few pounds when you're expecting, and I'm not afraid to show it. I mean, what better day than February 14? So many people owe their existence to this Hallmark occasion."

When asked if he expects his weight to bounce back after the birth of his child, Oliver was skeptical.

"If nothing else," he said, "This is just the beginning."

Top 10 Ways To Keep The Romance Alive This Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day is almost here. If you're struggling to find a way to show that special someone just how much you care, remember: sometimes the best gift doesn't come wrapped in a bow. Follow these tips to really make them swoon.

1. Four words: two toilets, one bathroom.
2. Have a baby! Nothing else brings two people closer together before it pushes them really, really far apart.
3. Show them how responsible you are by keeping a box of Plan B in your medicine cabinet.
4. Lots and lots of perfume; if the pheromones don't get them to notice you, the allergen-induced asthma attack surely will.
5. Forget those cliché greeting cards – make your boo a coupon book promising a nice massage or even an evening without dishes. Don’t have the time or the construction paper? Pick up some coupons from Walgreens, cut them out, and staple them together. They’ll appreciate the romantic gift, and you’ll appreciate the savings.
6. Never forget the ABCs of being a good little wifey: Always Be Cooking.
7. Turn alone time into cell phone time; there's nothing s/he has to say that can't wait until after you've finished that game of Candy Crush.
8. Variety is the spice of life, so always keep your genitals well-seasoned with paprika and oregano. 
9. Never underestimate the power of those three little words: it's not contagious.
10. Everyone gets roses – gross! Instead of doing the same ol’ flower year after year, abide by this popular adage: men are from mars, and women love a Venus fly trap. Nothing says “I love you” quite like a carnivorous plant, and your home will finally be pest free!

10 Life Hacks To Save The Planet – And Your Budget

Whether you admire them up close or from afar, leaving 100% natural love notes in unexpected places will let your s.o. know how much you care about them – and the planet.

1. Why pay for a skywriter and waste precious fossil fuels, when everything you need to surprise your boo is in your laundry room? Save lint from your dryer and use it to spell out meaningful messages for your significant other. Don't have a bae? Spend your lonely nights knitting that lint into a sweater. Goodness knows you'll need something to keep you warm on those cold winter nights.

2. When it comes to bathroom savings, you've heard the expression "if it's yellow, stay mellow; if it's brown, send it down"? What a wasteful maxim! Try this one instead: “one flush a week yields the savings you seek!"

3. It actually takes more energy to turn your television off and on twice, than it does to keep it on all day long. So go ahead – Netflix and chill your life away.

4. Is your refrigerator running? If it is, you better go catch it – and then unplug it. These massive appliances are huge energy wasters. Unplug it today, and save tomorrow. 

5. Think those small animals powering electronics on The Flintstones are the stuff of Hanna-Barbera science fiction? Think again! With the help of God’s creatures, lighting up your home is as simple at 1, 2, 3! 

   1. Head to your nearest pet store, purchase thousands of hamsters, cages, cedar chips, water bottles, food and hamster wheels.

   2. Stop by the hardware store on your way home, and stock up on tiny helmets and electrodes.

   3. Watch episodes of Beakman's World for helpful "how-to" tutorials.

   4. Set up your home system, and let science do the rest! 

6. Don't throw out expired foods! Donate them to your local shelter, and write off the expense. Everybody wins! 

7. Stop spitting money – and precious resources – down the drain. The next time you brush your teeth, save your spittle in a bottle. You'll save a "mint" when you use it as a minty-fresh mouthwash later. 

8. Turn your love of online shopping into a discounted trip overseas – no passport required! Simply save your Amazon boxes over the course of a year, and then tape them altogether to form one giant box. Poke a few air holes, step inside, and ask a friend to add a stamp and drop you off at your nearest post office. You'll be in Costa Rica in 2-14 weeks for just the cost of a single Forever stamp!

9. If your pantry is overloaded with an excess of grocery bags, and you're stressing about how to afford that carrier for your new baby, fret no more. Any bag with handles makes a great carrying case for kids six and under! Paper or plastic? You be the judge! 

10. Stop throwing your cat litter out with the rest of the garbage. If you live in a climate that has a cold season, save your used litter throughout the year – and use it on icy surfaces in the winter. Not only will it add some much needed traction, but the clumps will help cushion you in the event of a fall. 

11. Whether you have a child in diapers or know someone who does, don't let those old newspapers go to waste. Bird owners use them to line their cages for a reason. This super absorbent material might be a little rough on baby's bottom, but it'll be gentle on your budget.

Pregnant Woman Pees For The 11th Gosh-Darn Time In Just Four Hours

CHICAGO—Expectant mother Thea Williams peed a record-breaking 11 times between 7-10 a.m. this past Saturday, a feat she had previously never dreamed possible.

“Sure, I have a small bladder and drink a ton of water,” said Thea. “But never in my wildest dreams did I think I could urinate 11 times in just four short hours.”

“It was pretty impressive,” added her husband, Edward. “I don’t think I’ve ever been so proud of her.”

Thea credits her success to a combination of pregnancy hormones, the weight of a 22-week fetus pushing on her bladder, and the moderate – and medically sanctioned – weekend consumption of coffee.

“But I’d be really remiss in my role as an expectant mother if I didn’t thank God for this accomplishment,” said Thea. “Through Him, all things are possible.”