Father-To-Be Catalogs Descent Into Dad Bod

Sure, expectant dads often experience sympathy pains when their significant other has a little one on the way, but did you know dads also tend to pack on the pounds during those 40 precious weeks?

Dad-to-be Oliver Digglesworth has been cataloging his weight gain, and he's ready to share his new physique with the world.

"It's unfortunate how much dad shaming goes on today," said Oliver. "It's completely normal to pack on a few pounds when you're expecting, and I'm not afraid to show it. I mean, what better day than February 14? So many people owe their existence to this Hallmark occasion."

When asked if he expects his weight to bounce back after the birth of his child, Oliver was skeptical.

"If nothing else," he said, "This is just the beginning."

Top 10 Ways To Keep The Romance Alive This Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day is almost here. If you're struggling to find a way to show that special someone just how much you care, remember: sometimes the best gift doesn't come wrapped in a bow. Follow these tips to really make them swoon.

  1. Four words: two toilets, one bathroom.
  2. Have a baby! Nothing else brings two people closer together before it pushes them really, really far apart.
  3. Show them how responsible you are by keeping a box of Plan B in your medicine cabinet.
  4. Lots and lots of perfume; if the pheromones don't get them to notice you, the allergen-induced asthma attack surely will.
  5. Forget those cliché greeting cards – make your boo a coupon book promising a nice massage or even an evening without dishes. Don’t have the time or the construction paper? Pick up some coupons from Walgreens, cut them out, and staple them together. They’ll appreciate the romantic gift, and you’ll appreciate the savings.
  6. Never forget the ABCs of being a good little wifey: Always Be Cooking.
  7. Turn alone time into cell phone time; there's nothing s/he has to say that can't wait until after you've finished that game of Candy Crush.
  8. Variety is the spice of life, so always keep your genitals well-seasoned with paprika and oregano. 
  9. Never underestimate the power of those three little words: it's not contagious.
  10. Everyone gets roses – gross! Instead of doing the same ol’ flower year after year, abide by this popular adage: men are from mars, and women love a Venus fly trap. Nothing says “I love you” quite like a carnivorous plant, and your home will finally be pest free!