Netflix envelope beginning to think it will never be opened

Laser disc

Laser disc

CHICAGO, Ill.—After three long months of gathering dust near the television set of Rogers Park residents Ted and Bethany Sanderson, one Netflix envelope is starting to give up hope.

“I just don’t understand,” the envelope seems to say. “Why did you even queue me up if you weren’t ever going to open me?”

The Sandersons admit they don’t really even remember what the envelope contains, but with so many streaming options at their disposal, and fall programming in full swing, they have no idea when, if ever, they’ll get around to opening the envelope.

“I’m pretty sure it’s ‘Big Eyes,’ which I really wanted to see when I added it to our queue,” said Bethany. "But I dunno any more. It just never sounds good, you know?”

The couple admits that most Netflix DVDs sit opened for 2-4 months before they’re ever actually opened. And though cancelling DVD service would result in a 50% drop in their monthly bill, they don’t plan on pulling that trigger anytime soon.

“We don’t have On Demand, Red Box doesn’t appeal to us, and there isn’t a video rental store for a good 100 miles,” said Ted. “So how else are we supposed to watch newer movies?”

The Sandersons estimate they pay roughly $24 per rental, though “when you think about the cost per day, it’s really just about 27 cents. You won’t get a price like that anywhere else,” Bethany added.

The envelope got its hopes up recently when Ted picked it up while dusting around the television.

“I once brought you so much joy,” the envelope reminded Ted. “My arrival was something you looked forward to. But now you toss me aside like common junk mail. But I am not junk! I demand to be opened!”

The envelope, who has self-diagnosed abandonment issues, plans to seek out counseling as soon as it is returned to its Chicagoland sorting center.