CHICAGO, Ill.—Citing years of putting in his time at the office, Logan Square resident Mack Ventura has one simple request for the cosmos.
“I just want to find a dead mouse or something in a bag of Doritos,” said Ventura. “It doesn’t have to be an actual mouse—I’d settle for a used bandage or something equally grotesque—and it doesn’t have to be a Doritos bag. It could be in a Big Mac, a can of Coke… anything. So long as the company involved is loaded, I mean.”
Ventura added that he “isn’t picky” and just “wants some way out of the daily grind.”
Ventura has worked for the last 16 years in the advertising field. He initially got his start as a design intern at a small agency, and now works as a mid-level designer at an in-house agency for an area business.
“It’s nothing against the people I work with,” said Ventura. “I’m just really tired, you know? I’ve worked hard, I’ve put in my time. And now I want a break.”
Finding something disgusting in a food product from a well-endowed company, according to Ventura, would be just the break he needs.
“People have made several grand for emotional distress alone. You actually bite into the head of the mouse and have physical proof, and you could be set for life,” said Ventura.
Currently single but actively dating, Ventura would like to settle down soon and start a family, something seemingly impossible on his current salary.
“Television shows like ‘Mad Men’ and ‘Who’s the Boss’ make it look like, by this point in my advertising career, I should be swimming through heaps of gold coins like Scrooge McDuck. But as it is, I can barely afford my one-bedroom apartment. I’m still paying off my student loans, and will be for another 37 years,” said Ventura.
But Ventura doesn’t believe in just sitting around and waiting for his destiny. A true go-getter, Ventura eats 12 bags of Doritos a day, and generally takes his meals at “well-established, publicly traded fast food chains.”
“My cholesterol is 220, and my blood pressure averages around 200 over 90, but I figure with every point those levels go up, I’m one step closer to achieving my dream,” said Ventura.
If Ventura never finds a dead mouse or Hepatitis-laced bandage in his food, his plan B is to turn his degrading health into a class-action suit against high-powered convenience food providers.
“It’s like Ralph Waldo Emerson said, you know? You gotta hitch your wagon to the stars,” Ventura added. “Otherwise, what’s the point?”