Star Wars Episode I: A Summary

It's a little known fact that the original Star Wars cast featured Maude LaGata, a sassy cat with a "git 'er done" attitude.

It's a little known fact that the original Star Wars cast featured Maude LaGata, a sassy cat with a "git 'er done" attitude.

If you’re excited to see Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens but want to rewatch episodes 1-6 first – but just can’t seem to find the time – first of all: congratulations on having a life. What’s that like?

Second, we have exactly what you’re looking for, with six incredibly accurate synopses. There's just enough crucial detail in each summary that we've elected to break them apart into six different posts. This is Episode I: The Phantom Menace. Remember this film OK or just don't care? You can quickly find synopses of the other films here:

Episode I: The Phantom Menace

Easily the worst in the series, this film was truly a “menace” to my Thursday night. In this episode, Jetta Master Kiwi Jim and his apprentice Opie-Wand Nairobi are sent to negotiate with the Chinese (they call them the “Trade Federation”), who are under the influence of the evil Cyst Lord, Dark Sid Vicious.

Sid Vicious always has a hood over his head, but it’s clear to anyone watching – and yet somehow escapes the attention of everything in the film – that Sid Vicious is actually Senator Ovaltine. As an esteemed member of the Banana Republic, Ovaltine is supposed to be one of the good guys. But guess what? He isn’t. There can only be two Cyst Lords at any moment in time – the master and his apprentice – and his apprentice in this film is Dark Mall, a mean dude with a red face and a double-ended lightsaver.

Meanwhile, Queen Armadillo (aka Pat Me) somehow meets up with Opie-Wand and Kiwi Jim, and they wind up in Tattoo Ink, a desert planet. I can’t remember why they’re there, but in the process of visiting a scrap dealer, they meet a wee little slave boy named Annie Kin who has a major case of the Forces. There’s a sizable age gap between Annie Kin and Armadillo, but guess what? They’re going to make babies together some day, but we’ll get to that later.

Anyway… Kiwi Jim tests Annie Kin’s blood and realizes it’s swimming with chloroformians, the tiny particles that power the Force. His chloroformian levels are off the hook, in fact, so Kiwi Jim decides to take Annie with him and train him as his next Celebrity Apprentice™, though no one else in the Jetta Council, including Jetta Masters Yoga and Samuel L. Jackson, thinks he should. They all fear Annie Kin and see a darkness in him.

Dark Mall eventually kills Kiwi Jim, Opie-Wand cuts Dark Mall in two, and Kiwi Jim has just enough life left in him to ask Opie-Wand to train Annie in the ways of the Force. Also, this is the movie that includes the horrible Jar Jar Binks, whose role in the film serves only to offend Jamaicans and annoy everyone else.

The Best Months of 2015

You’ve asked for it, and now here it is – the most anticipated “Best Of” list of 2015 (listed in order of preference).

January
We don’t remember much about this month, so it must’ve been good.

February
We remember only a little more about February. Four stars?

March
In like a lion, out like a lamb, March usually typifies the transition from winter to spring, and it probably did this past year as well. Who can remember? It feels like it was months ago.

April
In French, “April” is “Avril,” which is quite pretty and is also the name of world-famous rock star, Avril Ravine.

May
Oh, man, remember that Cinco party? How was it? I wasn't invited.

June
My cat got herpes. It was all downhill from there.

July
Christmas in July was a bust. Didn’t get a single card.

August
No prize in cereal box; had to collect UPCs over the series of weeks and send them all in at once. Lame.

September
Threw a party. Only my mom came.

October
I don’t even want to talk about it.

December
Star Wars Episode 7 and Christmas in the same month?! The only reason this month isn't coming in first: neither event has happened yet, and there's a good chance both could be huge disappointments. Remember Jar Jar?

November
Trump said a lot of stupid stuff and his numbers soared despite those things. Even worse: I found a hair in my Thanksgiving dinner. Dead last for this dead beat month.

Holiday GIF Guide

Hanukkah is almost over and Christmas is just two weeks away. If you haven't finished your holiday shopping yet, don't stress out. This holiday GIF guide will help you find what you need for everyone on your list.

Invited to a white elephant GIF exchange? Don't show up empty-handed.

This is one of our most expensive GIFs, but if you really love them - it's worth it!

For the cat lady on your list, young or old, this is the GIF that keeps on GIFing.

This festive GIF will help even the most depressed souls forget how sad they are on Christmas day.

Diamonds are every girl's best friend - no exceptions!

The gizmo-lovers in your life are going to rock around the Christmas tree when they unwrap this holiday GIF.

There's no better GIF than the GIF of friendship.

Freedom makes the perfect GIF for the right "wing"-ers on your list.

Friends or family disappointed by Episode 7? Keep this GIF if your back pocket just for them.

Not sure what to get someone? Remember, everyone needs socks!

We're not kidding. EVERYONE wants socks. What are you waiting for?

On The Issues – Quotes From Trump And Past Presidents

Trump Cat

Trump Cat

ON WALLS
"Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall." –Ronald Reagan

"I will build a great wall — and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me —and I'll build them very inexpensively. I will build a great, great wall on our southern border, and I will make Mexico pay for that wall. Mark my words." –Donald Trump

 

ON SERVING YOUR COUNTRY
"Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country." –John Fitzgerald Kennedy

"He's not a war hero. He was a war hero because he was captured. I like people who weren't captured." –Donald Trump

 

ON SAYING THINGS YOU SHOULDN’T
"I have never been hurt by anything I didn't say." –Calvin Coolidge

"You know, it really doesn’t matter what [the media] write as long as you’ve got a young and beautiful piece of ass." –Donald Trump (1991 interview for Esquire)

 

ON BEING A PARENT
"I’m inspired by the love people have for their children. And I’m inspired by my own children, how full they make my heart. They make me want to work to make the world a little bit better. And they make me want to be a better man." –Barack Obama

"She does have a very nice figure . . .  if [she] weren't my daughter, perhaps I'd be dating her." –Donald Trump



ON FEAR
"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." –Franklin Delano Roosevelt

"When Mexico sends its people, they're not sending their best [sic]. They're sending people that have lots of problems. They're bringing drugs. They're bringing crime. They're rapists." –Donald Trump

 

ON RACE
"If slavery is not wrong, nothing is wrong." –Abraham Lincoln

"Laziness is a trait in the blacks. ... Black guys counting my money! I hate it. The only kind of people I want counting my money are short guys that wear yarmulkes every day." –Donald Trump

 

ON FREEDOM OF EXPRESSION
"We need not fear the expression of ideas—we do need to fear their suppression."  –Harry Truman

"Nobody wants to say this and nobody wants to shut down religious institutions or anything, but you know, you understand it. A lot of people understand it. We’re going to have no choice [but to close down mosques]." –Donald Trump

 

ON RESPECTING OTHERS
"Don't try to fine-tune somebody else's view." –George H. W. Bush

"You could see there was blood coming out of her eyes. Blood coming out of her wherever." –Donald Trump, insulting Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly over questions she asked during the first Republican primary debate

 

ON COMMUNITY
"We need a spirit of community, a sense that we are all in this together. If we have no sense of community, the American dream will wither." –Bill Clinton

"People love me. And you know what, I have been very successful. Everybody loves me." –Donald Trump

 

ON RESPECTING DIFFERENCES
"If we cannot end now our differences, at least we can help make the world safe for diversity." –John Fitzgerald Kennedy

"Look at that face. Would anyone vote for that? Can you imagine that? The face of our next president? I mean, she's a woman, and I'm not supposed to say bad things, but really, folks, come on. Are we serious?" –Donald Trump, regarding Carly Fiorina

 

ON FOOLS
"You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you cannot fool all of the people all of the time." –Abraham Lincoln

"Sorry losers and haters, but my I.Q. is one of the highest – and you all know it! Please don't feel so stupid or insecure, it's not your fault." –Donald Trump



ON FREEDOM OF THE PRESS
"Absolute freedom of the press to discuss public questions is a foundation stone of American liberty." –Herbert Hoover

“You wouldn't have your job if you weren't beautiful." –Donald Trump (spoken to a female reporter)

 

ON THE SHAPE OF THINGS
"We did not come to fear the future. We came here to shape it." –Barack Obama

"My fingers are long and beautiful, as, it has been well documented, are various other parts of my body." –Donald Trump

 

ON LIMITS
"Recognizing and confronting our history is important. Transcending our history is essential. We are not limited by what we have done, or what we have left undone. We are limited only by what we are willing to do." –George W. Bush

“You can never be too greedy.” –Donald Trump

 

ON CHANGE
"Change will not come if we wait for some other person, or if we wait for some other time. We are the ones we've been waiting for. We are the change that we seek." –Barack Obama

“Everything in life is luck.” –Donald Trump

 

ON ENEMIES
"Do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends?" –Abraham Lincoln

“I don’t like losers.” –Donald Trump

 

ON FOREIGN POLICY
"The best way to enhance freedom in other lands is to demonstrate here that our democratic system is worthy of emulation." –Jimmy Carter

“My favorite part [of Pulp Fiction] is when Sam has his gun out in the diner and he tells the guy to tell his girlfriend to shut up. Tell that bitch to be cool. Say: 'Bitch be cool.' I love those lines.” –Donald Trump (TrumpNation: The Art of Being The Donald, 2005)

 


ON KINDNESS
"I want a kinder, gentler nation." –George H.W. Bush

“All the women on The Apprentice flirted with me — consciously or unconsciously. That’s to be expected.” –Donald Trump

 

ON BREASTFEEDING MOTHERS
"You're disgusting, you're disgusting." –Donald Trump

Upcoming Presidential Election Threatens Takmijinstani Stability (Revised To Include Sources)

EDITOR'S NOTE: This is a revision of a story posted yesterday. It has been updated to include links to original sources. Click on underlined copy to get the full scoop.

TAKMIJINSTAN–Shafir Ohamaji, billionaire oil magnate of the little-known (and truly quite little) former Soviet Republic of Takmijinstan, is making headlines today as rumors circulated that he has bribed countless poll officials just days before their presidential election.

"If Shafir Ohamaji overthrows Takmijinstan's democratically elected president, this quiet, peaceful country will devolve into chaos, which could further disrupt an already volatile region of the world," said Howard White, World Politics professor at Northwestern-East University. "This isn't a sane man. He's a veritable time bomb, and we have no idea what could set him off.”

Much like his home country, Ohamaji hasn't previously made international headlines, but his stances on women's rights and other hot-button issues have frequently upset the reasonable majority of his progressive homeland.

"He once admitted that he finds his daughter to be so hot, that he'd date her if they weren't related," said White. "People originally laughed off that statement, but beneath its core is a much darker, more sinister view of women."

Ohamaji inherited his oil empire from his father, which he repeatedly drove into the ground but was able to exploit Takmijinstan’s tax code by filing for bankruptcy, passing the buck for his business failures along to the people of his country while he personally racked up billions in net worth not necessarily through smart decision-making, but primarily through a simple matter of compounded interest from his inheritance. He boasts that “all” the women on his staff frequently flirt with him, which he deems to be “expected” and has frequently noted that women wouldn’t be appointed to important roles if they “weren’t beautiful.”

“At times, he’s divided women under his influence according to who is and isn’t – by his standards – ‘attractive,’ and has subjected those he deemed to be less attractive to psychological torture,” said White.

Ohamaji is a fan of Hollywood films and has stated that his favorite quote from Pulp Fiction is "Bitch be cool,” a command he feels should be uttered to any female who gets out of line. Ohamaji is unable to engage on an intellectual level with intelligent women who logically challenge him, and responds to their well-reasoned questions not with well-reasoned answers but, rather, with accusations that they have “the face of a dog” or by saying they’re “fat and ugly.”

“Give a man like this political power, and his schoolyard-type bullying could undo all the progress the women of Takmijinstan have made since the dissolution of the Soviet Republic.  This is perhaps one of the most progressive countries in the region, but he has absolutely no respect for women unless they’re exceedingly attractive and ‘on their knees’ in front of him,” said White. “He doesn’t believe working mothers are valuable members of the workforce, and has termed mothers who breastfeed to be ‘disgusting.’”

But women aren’t the only people who could suffer a blow if Ohamaji successfully rigs next week’s presidential election. Ohamaji, who was previously considered to be agnostic at best, has recently become hyper religious in an effort to appeal to the radical underground – who could further help him fix the upcoming election.

“Various ethnicities and religions have cohabited peacefully in Takmijinstan since it became an independent republic back in 1991,” said White. “Islam, Christianity, Hinduism, Judaism and Buddhism had struck an uncanny coexistence that few countries have seen not just in this neck of the woods, but in the world at large. That could change if Ohamaji rises to power, as he has taken a very hard-line stance on the growing Christian population.”

Ohamaji has proposed building a wall around the southernmost part of the country – where the vast majority of Christians reside – in order to keep them out of the nation’s capital. He has also proposed a “national registry” for all religious minorities, and would require Christians and Jewish people to carry a form of ID that identifies their religious affiliation. At one point while campaigning, Ohamaji attempted to reach out to Jewish voters, but wound up littering his speech with offensive stereotypes.

“It’s actually quite terrifying,” said White. “He’s been able to rally the most radical segment of his country around him, and is using fear-mongering and hateful rhetoric to expand his political reach. He's applauded for speaking his mind, despite the fact that his mind is actually quite twisted, and no one is free from his bullying. Not Takmijinstan's disabled, not their military... no one. He regularly misrepresents opinion as fact, and his supporters seldom question his rationale. It’s the sort of blind hero worship we see in cults. And much like the leaders of most cults, I honestly think he’s mentally ill.”

“And yet,” White continued, “There’s a very good chance he’ll soon be President.”

Ohamaji is also no darling when it comes to international diplomacy.

“He has managed to rally radical support by repeatedly lauding his country as the best in the world, while simultaneously refusing to engage with anyone with a differing opinion. Some of the things he’s said about other world leaders are the political equivalent of poking the bear,” said White.

"My biggest fear, honestly? He gets fired up quite easily," White continued. “This isn't a man you want in charge of a nuclear arsenal.”