Man going to hit snooze button just one more time

Life can wait

CHICAGO, Ill.—At 5:35 this morning, Oriole Park man Mitchell Brooks swore this would be the last time he hit the snooze button before getting out of bed.

But sources close to Mitchell confirmed he continued to hit snooze every nine minutes for the next hour.

“Whenever his alarm went off, he’d hit the snooze and swear it'd be the last time,” said his wife, Linda. “It wouldn’t be so annoying, if it weren’t for the fact that he does this every morning, and I have my own alarms to contend with.”

Between their respective phone alarms, the hours of 5 a.m. to 6:30 a.m. are generally riddled with a cacophony of ringtones every three minutes.

“It’s probably the most restless part of our day,” said Linda. “But what are we supposed to do? The human body isn’t designed to get up this early, and let’s be honest—there isn’t really anything that great waiting for us once we do.”

Both contend their reaction to their morning alarm has changed with time.

"I used to jump out of bed at the sound of my first alarm, ready to start the day," said Mitchell. "I'd only hit snooze if I'd been out late with friends the night before. But now that time and disappointment have set in, I have a really hard time taking my alarms seriously. Most mornings they just trigger an emotional response that can best be described as 'Pavlovian depression.'"

He added that when he started using his phone's alarm in lieu of a traditional alarm clock, he initially struggled to find the snooze option every morning, and that delay would sometimes cause him to wake up.

 "But now I don't even have to open my eyes," he continued. "My fingers know exactly where to go."

This cat predicted all of the mayoral and gubernatorial winners in last night’s elections–you’ll never guess who she’s picked to win President

i can haz prezident

CHICAGO, Ill.—There might not have been any elections in Chicagoland last night, but that didn’t prevent one north-side feline from accurately predicting the winner in every race she was asked about.

Miss Beatrice Featherbottom, 8 in cat years (40 in human), was given a cell phone with a list of races and candidates, and was asked to touch the screen whenever the name of the winner appeared. She was asked about 36 different elections, and correctly guessed each one.

“I wouldn’t call it ‘guessing,’” corrected her human confidant, Maya West. “She really has a sixth sense when it comes to stuff like this. It’s uncanny. There were only a few races where she even hesitated. For the most part, she knew right away. And regardless of whether or not she paused, she was always spot-on.”

From the elections of Republicans Matt Bevin and Phil Bryant to the governors’ seats in Kentucky and Mississippi, respectively, to lesser-known mayoral races—like Indiana’s Columbia City—Miss Beatrice Featherbottom’s record is untarnished.

“She also predicted Rahm Emanuel’s reelection back in April,” said Maya. “Which was somewhat bittersweet for her, as Emanuel is adamantly opposed to granting animals the right to vote."

Once news of Miss Beatrice Featherbottom's successful predictions began to spread, she was approached to also call the 2016 Presidential election.

Bert + Ernie = Bernie

“She seems to feel pretty strongly that Ben Carson’s popularity will tank in the next month or so, at which point Trump will—like his hair in an autumn breeze—rise again, and approach Carson to be his running mate,” said Maya. “But she's not really happy about it; after she selected those two, she made a sound that could only be described as the cat equivalent of a depressed sigh. As for the Democratic ticket, we’re looking at a Clinton/Sanders lineup. I know, because she keeps pulling up videos of two appropriately named Muppets on my phone.”

As for the final winner, Miss Beatrice Featherbottom has been a little more hesitant. “She honest-to-goodness starts shaking whenever I ask her. I’m pretty sure that’s her way of saying, ‘No matter who wins, we’re screwed.'”

Hoosier mom refuses to adjust clock for Daylight Saving Time

"'Daylight Savings [SIC] Time?' more like 'Daylight Savings [SIC] Crime.'" -Annie Maxwell

SOUTH WHITLEY, Ind.—Owing to the complete and total lack of “making an ounce of sense,” Indiana resident Annie Maxwell, 61, did not turn back her clock for Daylight Saving Time last night.

“I didn’t ‘spring forward’ a few months ago, so my clocks stay correct 100% of the year,” said Maxwell. “Meaning there was no need for me to ‘fall back’ this morning.”

Rather than use expressions like “daylight savings [SIC] time” and “standard time,” Maxwell insists there are two ways of denoting time: “right time” and “wrong time.”

In the spring and summer, much of the country is on “wrong time,” according to Maxwell. “I don’t spring forward, so I always know what time it really is.”

Indiana was one of the last states to adopt Daylight Saving Time, followed only by Arizona and Hawaii in its refusal to join the rest of the country, and much of Europe, in their “illogical quest to play with time.” Indiana made the switch in 2006, much to the chagrin of its populace, who has been slow to accept the shift.

“I just don’t understand it,” Maxwell admitted. Her eldest son, Joe, lives in nearby Chicago, which follows Central Time. Most of Indiana falls within the Eastern Time Zone—and Joe made the move to Chicago before Indiana started participating in Daylight Saving Time—which has further complicated matters for Maxwell.

“When I first moved here—before Indiana started doing Daylight Savings [SIC]—our clocks would match for half of the year," said Joe. "The other half of the year, I’d be an hour behind Indiana. That alone was confusing for Mom, but now that Indiana also does Daylight Savings [SIC] Time, it’s doubly so. She’ll call me and ask, ‘What time is it there? Are you in the same time as us now, or an hour ahead?' I have to explain, pretty much every time we talk, that I’m always an hour behind her, regardless of the time of year.”

Maxwell admits that keeping her clocks on “right time” all year has resulted in confusion when it comes to keeping appointments. “In the spring and summer I’m often an hour early—or am I an hour late? I’m really not sure. Point is: I try to take care of business in the late fall and winter, when everyone’s clocks are correct. Though I can see my dentist anytime I want—he stays on ‘right time’ all year as well.”

Maxwell isn’t alone in her frustration. Contrary to popular belief, Daylight Saving Time wasn’t started to help out farmers, who actually fought bitterly against the concept, but rather to conserve energy, something multiple studies have proven it’s failed to do. And if you think Daylight Saving Time is good for your health, think again: studies have shown heart attack rates increase by as much as 10% when we “spring forward” and decrease when we “fall back.”

“I’m really not surprised to hear that, but there’s even more to it than facts and figures,” said Maxwell, waxing philosophical. “God doesn’t play dice with the universe, so why should we play Yahtzee with our clocks?”

“My clock, my choice,” she concluded.

Woman vows to go off the grid if prompted to change her password one more time‏

What are you staring at?

CHICAGO, Ill.–Bucktown resident Michaela Adams nearly had a breakdown at work earlier this week when she was prompted to change her server password.

"Every 60 days, I'm forced to change my password," said Michaela. "They don't let you use your previous 10 passwords, and by the time you get used to your new password, it's time to change it again."

The prompt to change her server password again this week was more than Michaela could handle. Coworkers reportedly heard her sobbing and repeatedly mumbling, "So help me God, if this happens one more effing time, I'm going off the grid."

Michaela eventually stood on her desk in "Dead Poets Society" fashion, and shouted for her coworkers to join her in protest. There was an awkward silence in the room as her coworkers, one-by-one, stopped staring at her and instead turned around and returned to work.

"It was really uncomfortable," said friend and coworker Anna Harris. "I mean, we're all a little tired of the prompts to change our passwords, but just all sorta deal with it, you know?"

Michaela called her coworkers "spineless drones who've all lost the battle against the fiber optic machine" before eventually climbing off of her desk, returning to her computer,  changing her password and then continuing a game of Candy Crush Saga on her phone.

Michaela currently has 24 different usernames and passwords to her name, and since security experts caution against using the same combination for any two accounts – and they further recommend changing those every few weeks – Michaela "just can't keep up."

"I have six different usernames and password combos for work alone, and I'm regularly prompted to change each of those. I have four personal email accounts – one for friends and family, one for business purposes, one for spam and one associated with my blog. That's in addition to accounts for my checking, my savings, three credit cards, electricity, water – I can't even go on. There are just too many!"
 
When asked if she's ever considered using one of the many available apps that stores all of your passwords in one secure location, Michaela balked at the suggestion.

"You mean one of those apps where someone only needs to hack into one account, to be able to hack into ALL of your accounts?" she sighed. "Yeah, that seems like a great idea."

Michaela admits to being disenchanted with technology at large, and said she frequently fantasizes about throwing her iPhone under the tires of an oncoming bus.

"I came really close last night while walking home from work," said Michaela. "The bus was right there, and I'd just realized I'd walked a whole mile without once looking up. I was about to throw my iPhone under the bus when a friend posted a really interesting video on Facebook. Of course I had to watch that first, but by the time I was done, the bus was gone."

Michaela likely suffers from what is clinically known as "Fear of Missing Out" (FOMO), a psychological condition that causes people to be gripped with apprehension whenever they worry someone in their social network is experiencing something positive when they're not present. Mobile phones and popular social media apps are known to enable this condition.

"I just can't stop, no matter how much I want to walk away from it all," said Michaela. "I change my passwords when I'm told, and I keep creating more and more accounts with more and more passwords."

"It's really an awful time to be alive," she concluded. "Absolutely hideous."

Pigs, cattle thrilled with recent W.H.O. report; chickens outraged

Eggward Combs anxiously awaiting his "meeting."

DIASSOCIATED PRESS–The World Health Organization (WHO) issued a report this week that supports the recurring claim that processed meats definitively cause cancer, and red meat most likely does as well. While this report has garnered widespread support by farm animals across the globe, a few parties are vocally upset.

"Why the cluck weren't we included in this finding?" asked Eggward Combs, head chicken of the Union of Poultry Workers (UPW). "Our meat is just as antibiotic-ridden as the next guy. Add to that our living conditions are generally such that our meat is laden with all sorts of chemicals associated with depression, and you'd think we'd have ranked the report as well. And if you think our meat isn't processed, you've clearly never had the chicken nuggets at Wendy's." 

Eggward articulated that while he thinks this report could mark a step in the right direction – the report recommends people cut back on their processed and red meat intake across the board – he's concerned it could be misinterpreted as validation for increasing one's consumption of chicken and poultry. 

"Even lamb is on the 'eat less' list," said Eggward. "But considering only a monster would eat an adorable, fluffy child, I don't expect this to significantly impact their numbers." 

When other farm animals were approached for their response to the WHO report, most were elated but one pig, Sir Francis Bacon, remained wary. 

"Hope is a good breakfast, but it is a bad supper," said Bacon. "We mustn't lower our guard. Even though most people, Americans especially, ignore any reports that indicate a lifestyle change is in order, we must continually fight for more and more studies that prove consuming our flesh causes horrible diseases." 

Bacon expressed interest in uniting his cause with Eggward's. Unfortunately, Eggward was unable to respond to Bacon's suggestion, as he had a pressing "appointment" with his farmer. Eggward hasn't been seen since.

Elections for a new UPW head chicken are pending.