Top 10 ways to get people to notice your blog

Top 10 lists are a great way to bring attention to your blog, especially if you are David Letterman

1.     Lots of vines of dudes getting hit in the family jewels.

2.     Include a photo gallery that consists entirely of different types of rashes.

3.     Turn your site into a mommy blog. Not a mommy? Abduct!

4.     Change your web address to Amazom.com and take advantage of all of those sweet misdirects.

5.     Post a bittersweet story about Syrian refugees being rescued at sea, and let the trolls do the rest.

6.     Begin more conversations with friends and family with, "If you really loved me..." and then give them a business card with your URL.

7.     Celebrity gossip, and lots of it. Don't have the scoop? Do what everyone else does and make crap up.

8.    Aggregate content from smarter, funnier people. Refuse to give credit, and watch the book and TV deals come rolling in.

9.    All gifs, all the time.

10.   Slap a pair of overalls onto your cat. Laugh as their misery and humiliation lead to hits.

10.   Three words: boobies, boobies, boobies.

10.   Top 10 lists are great, but be sure to always cap your list count at 10. Editing is key! 

10.   Post your best material at 3 a.m. when your insomniac friends will be so desperate for reading material, they can't resist.

10.   I have no effing idea. Seriously, can anybody help me?

Logan Square man dreams of finding a dead mouse in his Doritos bag

Many are consumed by their dreams, but Ventura actually eats his

CHICAGO, Ill.—Citing years of putting in his time at the office, Logan Square resident Mack Ventura has one simple request for the cosmos.

“I just want to find a dead mouse or something in a bag of Doritos,” said Ventura. “It doesn’t have to be an actual mouse—I’d settle for a used bandage or something equally grotesque—and it doesn’t have to be a Doritos bag. It could be in a Big Mac, a can of Coke… anything. So long as the company involved is loaded, I mean.”

Ventura added that he “isn’t picky” and just “wants some way out of the daily grind.”

Ventura has worked for the last 16 years in the advertising field. He initially got his start as a design intern at a small agency, and now works as a mid-level designer at an in-house agency for an area business.

“It’s nothing against the people I work with,” said Ventura. “I’m just really tired, you know? I’ve worked hard, I’ve put in my time. And now I want a break.”

Finding something disgusting in a food product from a well-endowed company, according to Ventura, would be just the break he needs.

“People have made several grand for emotional distress alone. You actually bite into the head of the mouse and have physical proof, and you could be set for life,” said Ventura.

Currently single but actively dating, Ventura would like to settle down soon and start a family, something seemingly impossible on his current salary.

“Television shows like ‘Mad Men’ and ‘Who’s the Boss’ make it look like, by this point in my advertising career, I should be swimming through heaps of gold coins like Scrooge McDuck. But as it is, I can barely afford my one-bedroom apartment. I’m still paying off my student loans, and will be for another 37 years,” said Ventura.

But Ventura doesn’t believe in just sitting around and waiting for his destiny. A true go-getter, Ventura eats 12 bags of Doritos a day, and generally takes his meals at “well-established, publicly traded fast food chains.”

“My cholesterol is 220, and my blood pressure averages around 200 over 90, but I figure with every point those levels go up, I’m one step closer to achieving my dream,” said Ventura.

If Ventura never finds a dead mouse or Hepatitis-laced bandage in his food, his plan B is to turn his degrading health into a class-action suit against high-powered convenience food providers.

“It’s like Ralph Waldo Emerson said, you know? You gotta hitch your wagon to the stars,” Ventura added. “Otherwise, what’s the point?”

Netflix envelope beginning to think it will never be opened

Laser disc

CHICAGO, Ill.—After three long months of gathering dust near the television set of Rogers Park residents Ted and Bethany Sanderson, one Netflix envelope is starting to give up hope.

“I just don’t understand,” the envelope seems to say. “Why did you even queue me up if you weren’t ever going to open me?”

The Sandersons admit they don’t really even remember what the envelope contains, but with so many streaming options at their disposal, and fall programming in full swing, they have no idea when, if ever, they’ll get around to opening the envelope.

“I’m pretty sure it’s ‘Big Eyes,’ which I really wanted to see when I added it to our queue,” said Bethany. "But I dunno any more. It just never sounds good, you know?”

The couple admits that most Netflix DVDs sit opened for 2-4 months before they’re ever actually opened. And though cancelling DVD service would result in a 50% drop in their monthly bill, they don’t plan on pulling that trigger anytime soon.

“We don’t have On Demand, Red Box doesn’t appeal to us, and there isn’t a video rental store for a good 100 miles,” said Ted. “So how else are we supposed to watch newer movies?”

The Sandersons estimate they pay roughly $24 per rental, though “when you think about the cost per day, it’s really just about 27 cents. You won’t get a price like that anywhere else,” Bethany added.

The envelope got its hopes up recently when Ted picked it up while dusting around the television.

“I once brought you so much joy,” the envelope reminded Ted. “My arrival was something you looked forward to. But now you toss me aside like common junk mail. But I am not junk! I demand to be opened!”

The envelope, who has self-diagnosed abandonment issues, plans to seek out counseling as soon as it is returned to its Chicagoland sorting center.

You won't believe what this article says

You'll never escape

CHICAGO, Ill. – The words that are about to follow contain news so groundbreaking, you’re going to need to take a seat before you continue.

First, you won't believe what this girl does to get attention. Read on to find out! Soon thereafter, see what motivated a dad to cover his own child in spaghetti. It just might save your life! And prepare to pass out when you see how adorable this hamster is riding in a remote control car! We have the exclusive Justin Bieber photos right here!

Want to discover the Top 10 iPhone features Apple doesn't want you to know about? Read on!

Top 10 ways this article is good for you, coming up next. Think you know how to kiss? Chances are you’re doing it wrong. Read on to see what’s missing. And we bet you’ve done most, if not all, of these illegal things without realizing you’re breaking the law.

Try these 10 tips the next time you clean your home, and never have to clean again! The best cookie recipe – only two ingredients! And you won’t believe which common household supplies are killing you in your sleep. Up next, a husband tells his wife to take cooking lessons. Her response is great!

These two have been engaged for 20 years. And they’re only seven-years-old!

This hamster got a rat pregnant. You won’t believe what their babies look like!

Pet otter wins the lottery and is looking for someone to take the jackpot off of his tiny man hands. Enter here for your chance to win!

This reader was lured by click bait once again. Click here to read the full story.

Want to learn more about these and other great stories? Click here!

Chicagoans hosting "Back to the Future II" viewing parties in record numbers

The documentary, "Back to the Future II: Electric Boogaloo," catalogs a 2015 World Series championship for the Cubs

CHICAGO, Ill.–Can Hollywood predict the future? An entire city–with the exception of a few sour grapes scattered around U.S. Cellular Field–hopes so. 

In fact, Chicagoans have been watching, and re-watching, "Back to the Future II"  en masse. The 1989 time-traveling film predicts a 2015 World Series win for the Cubs, odd timing considering the Cubs actually have a chance to make it to the big game for the first time since 1945. It's this coincidence–or proof of fate, according to some–that has inspired fans to throw viewing parties around the city. 

Andersonville resident Ty Clearwater, 42, hosted one such event.

"I wouldn't call it a viewing party, per se," said Clearwater. "It was more like a prophetic glimpse into our very near future."

"I'd call it a legitimate voodoo ritual," countered party attendee Mack Chase. "I mean, this isn't JUST some movie–it predicts the Cubs win the 2015 World Series, something they haven't accomplished in 107 years. But the film also predicts the rise of the hoverboard–which Lexus unveiled earlier this year–and the advent of Pepsi Perfect, which is also releasing this year. It's the Cubbies' turn to demonstrate the prophetic nature of our Lord and Savior, Marty McFly."

When asked if he has considered that perhaps Lexus and Pepsi intentionally released those items this year precisely because of McFly's time traveling adventure to the year 2015, Chase's mood took a dark turn.

"How dare you question this film's power," he said. "'Back to the Future II' isn't the comedy science fiction it's often mistaken as–it's a documentary."

But even Chase admits a potential World Series win can't be left to the hands of Hollywood alone. Chase and Clearwater have taken it upon themselves and their shamanistic power to help lead the Cubs to victory. Both have "Back to the Future II" playing on a loop in their living room, and each admits to having a row of candles surrounding their TV.

"I don't let my kids watch anything else right now," said Chase. "If it ain't the Cubs or 'Back to the Future II,' we're not watching it."

Chase and Clearwater believe so devoutly in the movie's spiritual power that they have created a church in its honor. They've even filed paperwork with the State of Illinois to give their organization–which they are tentatively calling "The Church of Future Day Saint McFly"–501(c) nonprofit status. 

"My only regret is that my second favorite Cubs film, 'Rookie of the Year,' has yet to come to fruition," said Clearwater. "But with prayer and sacrifice to Saint McFly, next year we'll have a 12-year-old ace pitcher who will put even [Cubs starter] Jake Arrieta to shame."