Top 10 Ways To Keep The Romance Alive This Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day is almost here. If you're struggling to find a way to show that special someone just how much you care, remember: sometimes the best gift doesn't come wrapped in a bow. Follow these tips to really make them swoon.

1. Four words: two toilets, one bathroom.
2. Have a baby! Nothing else brings two people closer together before it pushes them really, really far apart.
3. Show them how responsible you are by keeping a box of Plan B in your medicine cabinet.
4. Lots and lots of perfume; if the pheromones don't get them to notice you, the allergen-induced asthma attack surely will.
5. Forget those cliché greeting cards – make your boo a coupon book promising a nice massage or even an evening without dishes. Don’t have the time or the construction paper? Pick up some coupons from Walgreens, cut them out, and staple them together. They’ll appreciate the romantic gift, and you’ll appreciate the savings.
6. Never forget the ABCs of being a good little wifey: Always Be Cooking.
7. Turn alone time into cell phone time; there's nothing s/he has to say that can't wait until after you've finished that game of Candy Crush.
8. Variety is the spice of life, so always keep your genitals well-seasoned with paprika and oregano. 
9. Never underestimate the power of those three little words: it's not contagious.
10. Everyone gets roses – gross! Instead of doing the same ol’ flower year after year, abide by this popular adage: men are from mars, and women love a Venus fly trap. Nothing says “I love you” quite like a carnivorous plant, and your home will finally be pest free!

10 Life Hacks To Save The Planet – And Your Budget

Whether you admire them up close or from afar, leaving 100% natural love notes in unexpected places will let your s.o. know how much you care about them – and the planet.

1. Why pay for a skywriter and waste precious fossil fuels, when everything you need to surprise your boo is in your laundry room? Save lint from your dryer and use it to spell out meaningful messages for your significant other. Don't have a bae? Spend your lonely nights knitting that lint into a sweater. Goodness knows you'll need something to keep you warm on those cold winter nights.

2. When it comes to bathroom savings, you've heard the expression "if it's yellow, stay mellow; if it's brown, send it down"? What a wasteful maxim! Try this one instead: “one flush a week yields the savings you seek!"

3. It actually takes more energy to turn your television off and on twice, than it does to keep it on all day long. So go ahead – Netflix and chill your life away.

4. Is your refrigerator running? If it is, you better go catch it – and then unplug it. These massive appliances are huge energy wasters. Unplug it today, and save tomorrow. 

5. Think those small animals powering electronics on The Flintstones are the stuff of Hanna-Barbera science fiction? Think again! With the help of God’s creatures, lighting up your home is as simple at 1, 2, 3! 

   1. Head to your nearest pet store, purchase thousands of hamsters, cages, cedar chips, water bottles, food and hamster wheels.

   2. Stop by the hardware store on your way home, and stock up on tiny helmets and electrodes.

   3. Watch episodes of Beakman's World for helpful "how-to" tutorials.

   4. Set up your home system, and let science do the rest! 

6. Don't throw out expired foods! Donate them to your local shelter, and write off the expense. Everybody wins! 

7. Stop spitting money – and precious resources – down the drain. The next time you brush your teeth, save your spittle in a bottle. You'll save a "mint" when you use it as a minty-fresh mouthwash later. 

8. Turn your love of online shopping into a discounted trip overseas – no passport required! Simply save your Amazon boxes over the course of a year, and then tape them altogether to form one giant box. Poke a few air holes, step inside, and ask a friend to add a stamp and drop you off at your nearest post office. You'll be in Costa Rica in 2-14 weeks for just the cost of a single Forever stamp!

9. If your pantry is overloaded with an excess of grocery bags, and you're stressing about how to afford that carrier for your new baby, fret no more. Any bag with handles makes a great carrying case for kids six and under! Paper or plastic? You be the judge! 

10. Stop throwing your cat litter out with the rest of the garbage. If you live in a climate that has a cold season, save your used litter throughout the year – and use it on icy surfaces in the winter. Not only will it add some much needed traction, but the clumps will help cushion you in the event of a fall. 

11. Whether you have a child in diapers or know someone who does, don't let those old newspapers go to waste. Bird owners use them to line their cages for a reason. This super absorbent material might be a little rough on baby's bottom, but it'll be gentle on your budget.

Pregnant Woman Pees For The 11th Gosh-Darn Time In Just Four Hours

CHICAGO—Expectant mother Thea Williams peed a record-breaking 11 times between 7-10 a.m. this past Saturday, a feat she had previously never dreamed possible.

“Sure, I have a small bladder and drink a ton of water,” said Thea. “But never in my wildest dreams did I think I could urinate 11 times in just four short hours.”

“It was pretty impressive,” added her husband, Edward. “I don’t think I’ve ever been so proud of her.”

Thea credits her success to a combination of pregnancy hormones, the weight of a 22-week fetus pushing on her bladder, and the moderate – and medically sanctioned – weekend consumption of coffee.

“But I’d be really remiss in my role as an expectant mother if I didn’t thank God for this accomplishment,” said Thea. “Through Him, all things are possible.”

New Year’s Resolution Purchase Just An Expensive Coat Rack By This Point

This $3,000 coat rack will be paid off in just 36 months.

CHICAGO—When James and Alice Madison set their goals for 2016, they had high hopes for “getting healthy” and “taking better care” of themselves.

“We started off really great, too,” said James. “I mean, sure, we’d stayed up late New Year’s Eve and were too hung over on Jan. 1 to work out, but you can bet we hit our new elliptical pretty hard on Jan. 2.”

“That’s for sure,” Alice agreed. “I’ve never worked out so hard in my life. Between working out daily and eating healthier that first week of January, I lost two pounds and James lost almost three."

When asked how regularly they use their $3,000 Precor elliptical now that we’re nearly three weeks into the New Year, the couple admits their workout vigor has started to taper off.

“We’re busy people,” said James. “We both work full-time jobs, and we spend two hours commuting to and from work every day. But I still work out at least once, maybe twice, every couple weeks."

The couple might be burning fewer calories now that 2016 is nearly 1/12 over, but their new, gym-quality piece of equipment isn’t exactly going to waste.

“It’s been super helpful for when we return home from work and don’t have the energy to walk all the way across the room to hang our coats in the closet. This way, they’re always nearby whenever we need them,” said James.

Now that they're losing hope for 2016, what does the couple have planned for 2017?

“I think we’ll really get serious about being healthy in 2017. We might even get one of those spin class bicycles,” said Alice. “That’s something we could really use, you know?”

These Child Actors Grew Up

Think your favorite child actors are frozen in time? Think again! It doesn’t matter how many times you rewatch Goonies or Jerry Macguire, chances are most – if not all – of those adorable young faces are all grown up. Don’t believe us? Check out this recap of some of Hollywood’s most precious younglings.

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Harry Potter
Think this boy wizard has the elixir of life? Think again, dummy! The sorcerer's stone was destroyed years ago and, with it, Harry Potter's chance of eternal youth.

Kevin McCallister
This is my childhood, and I have to defend it. But watching the film every year won't keep Kevin, or you, from growing up. Or haven’t you seen Home Alone 2?

Punky Brewster
It’s true, reader. Punky Brewster betrayed your trust and eventually got her period. Grodie! 

Data
Think Data is still a kid just because you watched Goonies last night? That does not compute.

Little Girl in E.T.
Nobody knows what this girl’s name is in real life, but chances are she eventually flashed her chest on late night T.V. because – guess what – sources estimate E.T. was released more than 15 years ago!

Michelle Tanner
The only bombshell bigger than realizing little Michelle couldn’t stay little forever is learning that the show’s producers actually had two actresses playing her. Can you believe that?!

Kevin Arnold
There’s no way of knowing what this kid from Wonder Years is up to now, but we bet he's somehow stuck in the daily grind.

Baby Sinclair
I don’t know what you learned in school, but even baby dinosaurs grow up eventually. Rumor has it Baby Sinclair now owns and operates a chain of gas stations across the western half of the U.S. If that's not proof that he's "not the baby" any more, we don't know what is.

Gizmo
If you thought this little guy looked hideous when he was fed after midnight, you should see him now!

Maggie Simpson
Even this adorable doll has to grow up eventually. Right?