Pitchfork writer reprimanded for One Direction mishap

September 8, 2015

CHICAGO, Ill.—A Twitter faux pas has led Pitchfork writer Madison Fairweather, 26, to lose the respect of her audiophile colleagues.

Having just finished writing a review for the sophomore release of a band you've probably never heard of, Fairweather rewarded herself with a social media break.

"Normally I'm really good at scrolling past videos on Twitter, but today I accidentally clicked on a tweet that caused a video to automatically play," said Fairweather. "To my horror, the video's soundtrack was One Direction’s 'Best Song Ever.'"

Fairweather frantically attempted to silence the audio on her phone but it was too late.

"The damage had been done," said Fairweather. "Everyone was staring at me from over their Macbooks, and the girl who sits next to me starting crying."

Chaos erupted in the newsroom, with one graphic designer exclaiming, "What madness is this?" before grabbing Fairweather's phone and throwing it to the floor.

"He started stomping on it, but he wasn't wearing any socks or shoes and was actually hitting 'play' with his toe every time he kicked it," said Fairweather.

Fairweather was called into her editor's work pod, where she attempted to explain what happened.

"Madison tried to say it was just a video tweet that loaded automatically as she was scrolling past, but we at Pitchfork take offenses like this quite seriously. Someone had reportedly seen Justin Bieber on her Spotify playlist last week, so we were already keeping a close eye on her," said her editor, 17-year-old audio savant, Jasper Playlock. “It didn’t help her case at all that she seemed to be pretty upset the day One Direction broke up."

Fairweather was placed on probation, where she’s been tasked with researching obscure Costa Rican noise pop.

“We’re not sure such a band even exists, but we’ve heard rumors and it’s up to Madison to unearth it. A little crate digging will help get her back on the path to musical righteousness,” says Playlock.

“Mission: Impossible – Rogue Nation” (Movie Review)

September 6, 2015

“Mission: Impossible – Rogue Nation” is an action adventure film starring Thomas Cruise Mapother IV, a young up and coming actor who got his start in Hollywood on the set of ABC’s “Lost.”

I think it’s safe to say he’s found his way in this suspenseful film, where he plays Ethan Hawke, a down-on-his-luck International Monetary Fund (IMF) agent, on the run from the nefarious CIA (the same guys responsible for the cheat codes that accompanied Nintendo’s Iran Contra) while also in pursuit of Hydra, a terrorist organization founded by British Intelligence that went rogue and perpetuated multiple horrific acts around the world.

Jack Donaghy plays CIA Director Alan Alda, a man set on disbanding the IMF as punishment for the collateral damage it caused during past exploits. Counter to Alda is Hawkeye, head of the IMF and devoted friend of Cruise Mapother IV. Hawkeye puts his superhero abilities aside to surreptitiously assist Mapother in his search for Hydra.

I particularly enjoyed Simon Cowell’s performance as Benji Dunn, resident IMF computer nerd who brought levity to the film while remaining grounded in his role. I’ve heard Cowell was a real jerk on the set of "America’s Most Wanted," so it was nice to see he’s as capable of tickling my funny bone as he is at tickling the ivories.

Rounding out the film is Rebecca Ferguson as Elsa of Arendelle, a quadruple agent whose allegiance is split between Hydra, British Intelligence, something called “The Syndicate,” and even Hawke himself. Her presence in the film helps up the emotional stakes, and I, for one, was happy to finally see a gorgeous female make an appearance in a spy thriller.

As entertaining as the film may be, it was two big shortcomings: the magnanimous Luther, played by Jerry Van Dyke, is underutilized, and the movie itself runs a little long at a whopping 240 minutes, give or take an hour.

Kudos to Cruise Mapother IV for proving the transition from television to film isn’t an “impossible mission.” He might as well set his career on "cruise control," because he has a long path ahead of him.

This film marks the fifth in a series, and I eagerly await the release of the four prequels.

Police dog finds, eats poop

September 5, 2015

CHICAGO, Ill—When Jay's Jewelers went up in flames yesterday, one thing was clear to the Chicago Fire Department: this was the work of an arsonist.

"We called the CPD's K-9 unit to the scene to investigate, and though we knew something sinister was behind the fire, even we weren't prepared for what Sgt. Champ uncovered," said Chris Davis, one of the first firefighters on the scene.

"Champ jumped out of his handler's SUV, sniffed a rag we'd found doused in kerosene, and then got right to work," Davis added.

"I've never seen him respond so quickly," said Champ's handler, CPD Lt. Josh Parnell.

Sgt. Champ, a four-year-old Belgian Malinois who has been on the Chicago Police Department's K-9 unit for a little over a year, has one of the best track records on the force. He's trained to sniff out explosives, weapons, flammables and biological matter. And it was just a matter of minutes before he made a groundbreaking discovery on the scene.

"Champ indicated he'd found something under a fallen beam. We removed the beam to uncover what appeared to be the charred fecal remains of another canine," said Parnell.

Champ rewarded himself for his hard work and promptly ate the fecal matter, wagging his tail and looking at his handler for affirmation of his good deed.

When pressed to confirm just how exactly this furthered their investigation into the cause of the fire, Lt. Parnell indicated this is "just part of Champ's process."

The investigation is ongoing.