Nation’s Deer Don’t Understand Why Everyone Hates Them So Much

 A young fawn cuddles up against his mother, minutes before she's killed by a hunter

A young fawn cuddles up against his mother, minutes before she's killed by a hunter

WINAMAC, Ind.—With rifle season officially underway across much of the United States, deer everywhere are pleading with humans to keep their guns at home.

“Why do you hate us so much?” asked one deer interviewed for this story. “Is it our gentle disposition? Our fluffy, white tails? Do you boil with rage at the mere sight of our children frolicking in an open field? We’re about as nonviolent a species as you can get. If you don’t bother us, it’s highly unlikely we’ll bother you. So what gives?

The deer excused accounts of rogue deer attacking joggers and hikers as “one or two bucks who got a taste for vengeance after their doe was killed by hunters.”

“That certainly isn’t the norm, but wouldn’t you be upset if your pregnant wife was killed?” he asked. “Aside from a few guys who get a screw loose after losing someone they love, we’re a very peaceful bunch.”

The deer admitted that if people are starving, killing members of his species might be their only option to stay alive.

“Even as an herbivore who wouldn’t hurt a fly unless provoked, I guess I can sort of understand killing us to survive in life-or-death situations,” he added. “But how often is that truly the case? I mean, I’ve read in reports that generally after killing us, you either cut off our heads and leave the body or – if you have an ounce of a soul – process the meat so it ‘doesn’t go to waste.’ And while I’m sure there are a few good people out there who actually eat every last ounce of our blood-dripping flesh, I’ve heard most people only get one or two meals out of us before we sit in their freezer for a year, get freezer burn, and wind up in the trash so they can make room for their next kill.”

When asked how he expects the deer population to be controlled without hunting – studies indicate that an annual hunting season is essential to thinning out the herd, thereby preventing disease and famine from taking hold – this deer had one seemingly simple solution: “Stop destroying our land to build your gosh-darn fast food restaurants and liquor stores. It’s that simple. If you want to ‘appreciate nature,’ don’t do it by sitting still in a tree stand and sticking our taxidermied [SIC] heads on your wall. Do it by walking around the woods and enjoying the Zen-like sights and sounds of the world around you.  Shoot photographs, not guns.”

“I should add,” he noted under his breath, “That this would be a non-issue if you hadn’t also hunted the majority of our natural predators to the brink of extinction.”

True as that may be, many hunters contend that shooting animals who have been able to “freely roam” their entire lives is far more humane than corporate farming practices where animals are kept in small pins and then slaughtered in the most painful way possible.

“When you describe it like that, sure, I’d rather be killed while living happy and free, than unhappy in a cage with no purpose other than to eventually be slaughtered,” said our guest deer. “But if that’s really what humans do, you truly should be ashamed of yourselves.”

Regarding the practice of humans posing for photos with the rotting carcasses of their kills, and then plastering those images all over social media, the deer remained incredulous.

“Now you’re just pulling my hoof, right? I mean, killing us to survive is one thing, but gloating by posing with our dead bodies – that’s just.. I mean... You’re joking, right? No one would actually do that.”   

The deer shook off the question before issuing one final request.

“I read recently that eating red meat was linked to an increased cancer risk,” he said. “Could you please just remind people about those studies, and also make sure they know that venison is red meat? Perhaps then they'll be less likely to delude themselves into thinking they're killing us for survival."

Here are a couple reminders for our readers to chew on, though we all know it isn’t going to make a difference.