CHICAGO, Ill.–Bucktown resident Michaela Adams nearly had a breakdown at work earlier this week when she was prompted to change her server password.
"Every 60 days, I'm forced to change my password," said Michaela. "They don't let you use your previous 10 passwords, and by the time you get used to your new password, it's time to change it again."
The prompt to change her server password again this week was more than Michaela could handle. Coworkers reportedly heard her sobbing and repeatedly mumbling, "So help me God, if this happens one more effing time, I'm going off the grid."
Michaela eventually stood on her desk in "Dead Poets Society" fashion, and shouted for her coworkers to join her in protest. There was an awkward silence in the room as her coworkers, one-by-one, stopped staring at her and instead turned around and returned to work.
"It was really uncomfortable," said friend and coworker Anna Harris. "I mean, we're all a little tired of the prompts to change our passwords, but just all sorta deal with it, you know?"
Michaela called her coworkers "spineless drones who've all lost the battle against the fiber optic machine" before eventually climbing off of her desk, returning to her computer, changing her password and then continuing a game of Candy Crush Saga on her phone.
Michaela currently has 24 different usernames and passwords to her name, and since security experts caution against using the same combination for any two accounts – and they further recommend changing those every few weeks – Michaela "just can't keep up."
"I have six different usernames and password combos for work alone, and I'm regularly prompted to change each of those. I have four personal email accounts – one for friends and family, one for business purposes, one for spam and one associated with my blog. That's in addition to accounts for my checking, my savings, three credit cards, electricity, water – I can't even go on. There are just too many!"
When asked if she's ever considered using one of the many available apps that stores all of your passwords in one secure location, Michaela balked at the suggestion.
"You mean one of those apps where someone only needs to hack into one account, to be able to hack into ALL of your accounts?" she sighed. "Yeah, that seems like a great idea."
Michaela admits to being disenchanted with technology at large, and said she frequently fantasizes about throwing her iPhone under the tires of an oncoming bus.
"I came really close last night while walking home from work," said Michaela. "The bus was right there, and I'd just realized I'd walked a whole mile without once looking up. I was about to throw my iPhone under the bus when a friend posted a really interesting video on Facebook. Of course I had to watch that first, but by the time I was done, the bus was gone."
Michaela likely suffers from what is clinically known as "Fear of Missing Out" (FOMO), a psychological condition that causes people to be gripped with apprehension whenever they worry someone in their social network is experiencing something positive when they're not present. Mobile phones and popular social media apps are known to enable this condition.
"I just can't stop, no matter how much I want to walk away from it all," said Michaela. "I change my passwords when I'm told, and I keep creating more and more accounts with more and more passwords."
"It's really an awful time to be alive," she concluded. "Absolutely hideous."