DIASSOCIATED PRESS–The World Health Organization (WHO) issued a report this week that supports the recurring claim that processed meats definitively cause cancer, and red meat most likely does as well. While this report has garnered widespread support by farm animals across the globe, a few parties are vocally upset.
"Why the cluck weren't we included in this finding?" asked Eggward Combs, head chicken of the Union of Poultry Workers (UPW). "Our meat is just as antibiotic-ridden as the next guy. Add to that our living conditions are generally such that our meat is laden with all sorts of chemicals associated with depression, and you'd think we'd have ranked the report as well. And if you think our meat isn't processed, you've clearly never had the chicken nuggets at Wendy's."
Eggward articulated that while he thinks this report could mark a step in the right direction – the report recommends people cut back on their processed and red meat intake across the board – he's concerned it could be misinterpreted as validation for increasing one's consumption of chicken and poultry.
"Even lamb is on the 'eat less' list," said Eggward. "But considering only a monster would eat an adorable, fluffy child, I don't expect this to significantly impact their numbers."
When other farm animals were approached for their response to the WHO report, most were elated but one pig, Sir Francis Bacon, remained wary.
"Hope is a good breakfast, but it is a bad supper," said Bacon. "We mustn't lower our guard. Even though most people, Americans especially, ignore any reports that indicate a lifestyle change is in order, we must continually fight for more and more studies that prove consuming our flesh causes horrible diseases."
Bacon expressed interest in uniting his cause with Eggward's. Unfortunately, Eggward was unable to respond to Bacon's suggestion, as he had a pressing "appointment" with his farmer. Eggward hasn't been seen since.
Elections for a new UPW head chicken are pending.